“
Drew looked around but there wasn’t anyone else in his studio and indeed it was earlier than he usually started to draw his syndicated daily cartoon column of a dachshund that always seemed to be too short too long and in too much trouble!
Drew took a sip of his morning coffee and as he put the very first line down on the white paper with his black inked pen, the line began to move all on its own. Drew was startled! This had NEVER happened before…and how could it? It was IMPOSSIBLE!!! Wasn’t it?
“
“Ah…D…Doodley?”
“Yeah who else…you really have limited talent you know. I always look the same, act the same…do the same stupid stuff…and I’m gettin’ sick of it!”
The line had magically and mysteriously continued to draw itself until the Doodley character was way too large and pushing his two-dimensional snout right up off the paper and yelling at Drew even without the customary word “balloon”!
“I…ah…..I don’t have to listen to you
“Ah….not so hasty Drew….I…..was perhaps a bit too coarse in our discussion of my rights as a famous, well….semi-famous cartoon!”
“That’s better. But you must know Doodley that there are strict sizes for frames and length of cartoons set by the papers….so I just can’t draw anything, any size, anyway…I want to.”
“Well….I’ve seen double wide frames on even some of the most famous cartoon strips. I look around you know….at the competition as it were
“Part of your…ah….charm to readers is that you ARE long and short and seem to be tightly fitted in the frame. That’s part of the fun Doodley.”
“Not for me Pal.” Doodley’s outline had gotten smaller as he calmed down and he was almost back to normal size.
“You are just going through a bit of a time when you aren’t happy right now but perhaps I can fix that. Tell you what….let me draw today’s strip with a new idea that I just had and I bet you’ll be fine with it. But you’ve gotta promise me….NO MORE jumping out of the pages
“Well….we have been together for a long time ….so I promise….but ONLY if I’m happy about it!” Doodley said, now completely back to normal size.
Drew finished the strip and in the last frame was Doodley smiling bigger than he’d ever smiled….standing right next to his new very feminine cute companion with the yellow bow “Doodles.”
The birthday celebration was over and Sam the Kingsnake was writing Thank You cards to all of his friends that had brought presents to his party.
He thanked Carl the Centipede for the pair of new red leather shoes even though Sam had no feet, which even a casual observer should have noticed.
Of course, Carl had a hundred feet and so, he naturally fancied himself a shoe “expert”.
Then Sam wrote to Roger Raccoon to thank him for the bright red comb even though, once again, it should have been noted by all that Sam had no hair. But being as furry as Roger was, the oversight was understandable.
Sam also was left wondering what he was going to do with all the leftover raw eggs and fresh mice parts that no one seemed interested in even tasting.
Sam decided to donate the shoes and comb to charity and consume the leftovers a bit at a time until they were gone.
One present he did get excited about was the baby rattle that Blackie the crow brought. Sam was a Kingsnake and not only did he NOT posess a rattle…he wasn’t even venomous. But he had secretly admired that rattling sound that the Diamondbacks made when they needed to scare something or someone.
But perhaps the most appropriate and thoughtful of all of his presents was the jar of skin creme that Tommy Turtle gave him. It was time for Sam to shed his old skin and Tom’s gift would aid in making the shedding immeasurably more comfortable.
Yes…all in all, Sam had wonderful friends of the forest, but occasionally he did get quite lonely.
He was very tired after a long afternoon of partying and as Sam was beginning to nod off on a much-needed nap, he began to pleasantly wonder if there existed a snake species known as a Queen Snake.
MONEY TALKS by russ mckay
Jan 14
“George!”
“Abe!…ah….6042A
“No…3088D
“George….how did you get that notch there near the corner?”
“Oh, that….yeah….zipper nipped me as she pulled me out to pay for a balloon at the Dollar Store. LOVE THAT PLACE.”
“Zippers…yeah….why can’t humans stick to the soft old folding wallets?”
“Progress…I guess. I hate those vending machines too, though I will admit they do help with the wrinkles you know!”
“By the way, I saw dozens of new Franklins last week when I passed through the First National Bank. I kinda like the older versions of those bills that look more like us don’t you?”
“Ah…progress again….but yes we’re more…classic…traditional…Abe.”
“By the way…I don’t really like going through the Federal Banks. I’m always nervous that they’ll examine me and decide that I’m too worn to stay in circulation.”
“Oh you’ve got a long time before …ah….I hate to say it….but you know….the SHREDDING!”
“Let’s change the subject Abe…oh wait is she gonna?…..yep….well…see you again I hope!”
“You’re gonna be with lots of friends here at the Dollar Store….see ya! George.”
“Gosh it’s lonely in here now that George is gone. I hope we go to the supermarket. I love being in those cash trays with lots of other Lincolns.”
Then a new voice yelled out….”Hey….you’re puttin’ me in the wrong….oh no…..”
“What are you doing in here? You don’t belong here this compartment is just for bills, legal tender, CASH!”
“Listen, I don’t like it any more than you do Lincoln….Might as well make the best of it….I’m Visa but you can just call me “VEE”!
”Hey Mister James!” Ten year old Eric Samuel, from just down Clancy Lane, the one way street named for the very first family to build a house on the once dirt road leading out of the tiny town of Denver, North Carolina, yelled, then stopped and peered in at the sunlit porch of his old neighbor.
Ezra James, whose actual age had been possibly mentally forgotten by him or deceptively hidden from the knowledge of all other residents, was either sleeping in his Kennedy rocker, or was dead.
Eric was “sore afraid,” an expression he had picked up from Mr. James,…well, the boy feared that his very old friend was not asleep, but just looked that way.
Eric’s hands started to tremble, sorta like Mr. James’s wrinkled, but very warm hands often did.
Eric yelled again and leaned in a bit farther over the front yard, white, but needing paint, picket fence. Suddenly, Eric saw a hand move, then he spotted an arm go up and he breathed a long sigh, and just as he was about to say something, Ezra James yelled out in a strong clear voice…”Thought I was a goner did ya? Ha…well, not yet. Plenty more to do, plenty more! C‘mon in and sit a spell.”
Eric, having nothing to do besides trottin’ down to Mr. Shipley’s corner store to get a quarter pound of American cheese for his Mom to make grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch, opened the gate and then quickly got outta the way as the heavy cannonball on the chain slammed it back shut.
“Did the gate gitcha?”
“No Sir. I was quick. That’s fourteen straight times I cleared it!”
“Good for you. What’s the record?” Ezra asked.
“Twenty nine!”
“Got a ways to go yet, but we’ll surely celebrate thirty! Grab a chair.” Ezra pointed to the nearest one.
“Now today we’ll continue on our lessons about bein’ old and bein’ a young boy in the town of Denver.”
“You first Mr. James.”
“Well, it’s important when you get to be older that you keep track of following’ your dreams and your heart, and how you are doin’ on both.”
“You mean like getting good grades at school?” Eric tried making a comparison.
“Yeah, except it’s you givin’ AND gettin’ the personal grades and you gotta be honest with yourself…always! That’s important.”
“Hmm, well, I don’t know about heart, but I still wanna be a major league ball player when I get older. Is the heart stuff some kinda code for likin’ girls or something?”
“Well, that will sort itself out, but it’s all accordin’ to how you feel about the world and your place in it.”
“The world’s not very big in Denver.” Eric said.
“No, but big league ballplayers have come from tinier towns than this one!”
“ARE there tinier towns than here?” Eric asked.
“Sure! You’ve got lots to learn, but I do too and that’s one of the great things about life. You can keep learning all the way through!”
“What have you learned today Mr. James?”
“Well, I learned that your “not getting’ hit by the gate record” is at 14, and I ain’t dead! I’d say that’s a real good start!”
Then E
The boy complied and Ezra clasped his hand with Eric’s and squeezed and shook it up and down.
“Ouch!” Eric was rubbing his hand after the handshake.
“A might too strong maybe, but never be a weak limp handshaker Eric. That’s important.”
“Who invented the handshake Mr. James?”
“Not sure anybody knows, but it was a great long time ago.”
“I bet it started with cavemen. One guy had some food in his hand, and another caveman from a rival cave tried to snatch it out for himself and they grabbed hands; one trying to take it and one trying to keep it, until they both decided to split the food and become friends!”
“Well, Eric, if that ain’t the best explanation to the beginin’ of shakin’ hands, I don’t know of one!”
Then Ezra rocked back and said “So now teach me about bein’ a modern boy!”
“Well, it isn’t easy. Not by a long stretch!” (that expression, he had also picked up from Ezra and felt that it was the perfect place to put it into a sentence) I mean, you aren’t in charge of anything, not even your toys. And you’re shorter than most all
“And they make you eat food that’s good for you instead of food that tastes good, and you have to finish all of it, and also watch them eating whatever they want and as little of it or as much as they want!”
“And bedtime is always 9:00 and they stay up until all hours and I hear them laughing and enjoying everything and it keeps me awake sometimes!”
“Now calm down Eric, don’t get too riled up. The best thing about it is you’re young and when you grow up you can do whatever you want, within the law of course.” Ezra smiled at Eric.
“I know, but time goes too slow and I want to be an adult right now!” Eric folded his arms to his chest and looked very unhappy.
“Tell you what. “You be me and I’ll be you for ten minutes. Whadaya say?” Ezra suggested.
“Ok.” Ezra stood and went to the rocker.
“Oh I gotta get up?”
“Of
course, you’re the kid and I’m the ol…ah…adult!”
“Would
you be kind enough to go get me a cold coke outta the fridge young
man?” Eric said in a crackly voice.
“Do I really sound like that?” Ezra asked as he hobbled through the front screen door and went to the kitchen and got two cokes and slowly made his way through the house and back to the porch.
“Thanks, but you can‘t have a coke until you eat all of your supper young man!” Ezra admonished.
“Well, Ok.” Ezra laughed, but he enjoyed being referred to as “Young man!” and he watched Eric gulp down, and thoroughly enjoy, his soda.
“Your ten minutes are up! Now get outta my chair boy!” and they both laughed and resumed their places on the sunny porch and Ezra drank his coke.
Old Year’s Day by russ mckay
Dec 27
Sparky was having a nice day until Santa arrived. Santa said, “It’s new year’s eve… only 51 more weeks until Christmas.”
Sparky responded, “That’s plenty of time to get ready for Christmas 2019 isn’t it Santa?”
“Not if we’re going to make toys that take 52 weeks to build!”
Well, Santa was right about that but what efficient Elf would EVER take that long to do anything?
“Snoddington the elder elf would take even longer!” Santa responded!
Sparky knew that was true but Snoddington wasn’t due to retire until 2020.
Then Sparky had an idea. He whipped out his smartphone 3000 and called his new best friend that was the very best toy wrapper EVER!.
Yep…you guessed it Easter Bunny!
The Bunster showed up the very next morning with 5 million yards of Saranwrap and 50 million feet of red and green ribbon and 4 frozen jelly beans.
So no matter what you are doing this year or where you are doing it Santa, Sparky and the Easter Bunny will be wrapping presents for December 24, 2018 except for Easter morning when EB has the day off.
The National TV network is scheduling a game show this year at the North Pole to see who can wrap presents of various and sundry sizes and weights and be declared “Wrapper of The World!”
Be sure to tune in!
‘Twas the day after Christmas
And all through the store
Great lines of people
stretched out of the door
They carried those presents
Unwrapped and unwanted
That they received yesterday
They were tired but undaunted
“I want to get something
In exchange for my gift
It’s been a tiring Christmas
And I need a lift!”
“That’s not why I’m here
Oh no, no…. not me
I just love my present
But I already have three!”
“I’m bringing mine back
That I got from my Honey
It’s kinda nice
But I’d rather have money!”
“I really like my gift
In fact, I think it’s great
But it was given to me
By someone I hate!”
“I can’t wait in line
Very long in this store
I’ve got other presents
That came from five more”
“I’ve got no time for this
And it’s a heck of a trek
We had family over
And the house is a wreck!”
“I know what you mean
I’m the same way too
I’m so glad it’s over
There’s too much to do”
“Well I’m very happy
To be in this store
Because counting today
There’s 364 more…
Days until Christmas
The most it can be
And the more days there are
The happier are we!”
And there were those too,
Who were saddened a bit
They only were there
‘Cause their gifts didn’t fit!
So Santa was finished
And Christmas was done
But the post Christmas cleanup
Is surely not fun
But it is a
Every year at this time
And we have to give gifts
Almost spend our last dime
But it’s good for business
So it never ends
That’s why were all here
With most of our friends
Then one tiny hand
Reached out…tugged a skirt
“God hear’s you talking
And I know it must hurt
It’s his baby’s birthday
Jesus his son
That’s why we have Christmas
‘Cause he loved everyone
For our gift He gave Jesus
To us one and all…
Our gift’s in the manger
And not in the mall!”
Hi…you don’t know me because, well…that’s the way we elves like to keep it. I want to tell you a secret that Santa keeps with the utmost care…his actual, real honest to goodness… Birthday.
When we would ask Santa what day his Birthday was, he always told us that it was on November 36th. Well, come to find out, through eons of elf research, Santa wasn’t fibbing to us. His REAL birthday is on December 6th (he won’t say what year but trust me, it was a VERY LONG time ago) and if you count from November 30th to December 6th you’ll see that he’s right.
Well this year we are throwing him a huge surprise party on November 36th and all the current and retired Elves and Ms. Claus and the Caribou (you know them as Reindeer) and a few old friends of Santa’s from when he was a young civilian are coming.
Thinking of the right gift is always difficult you know. Santa never says that he wants anything. Mrs. Claus always knits him something in his favorite color…heliotrope. By the way, he also likes Puce!
We Elves made him an electric muffler last year but it caught his beard on fire. His normally white beard did match his red suit briefly before we managed to find unfrozen water to throw on Santa to extinguish the fire but then Santa had a burnt up beard with icicles hanging down from all over his beard and nose. He got a bit quiet when we all laughed out loud including Mrs. Claus and even the Caribou were snickering.
But this year we are building Santa a helium gift bag to lighten his load of toys (for GOOD little girls and boys)
We could get more done if some of the elves would stop gulping the helium and then speaking in very low bass voices causing everyone to go into hysterics!
We Elves were thinking of inviting a representative from the Good kids out there to Santa’s Birthday Party this year.
If you were chosen to attend, what gift do you think Santa would like?
Those are all good ideas and if you are selected to attend the party we’ll notify you by November 34th (that’s a Friday)but no matter what, Santa will be at your place December 24th after you are asleep.
Maybe this year if you leave Santa anything that night you might want to add at the bottom of the card that says “For Santa”…”HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!”
It was November the eleventh as I recall…or maybe it was the tenth, anyhow it was a Monday and I got a call from Santa. He was on vacation at his island house in the warm Pacific.
Oh…sorry I forgot to tell you…I’m The Easter Bunny, Eastern Cottontail specifically, but since the kids…I love kids....call me the Easter Bunny…well…I love it.
Anyhow, Santa called me. I thought it was some prankster at first…like Sammy the Squirrel, or Squeeky The Mouse, but after asking some questions I accepted that my caller was the genuine, authentic REAL Santa.
He said that he was calling a meeting of all the icons of kiddom (are there two D’s in Kiddom?) which of course included me. He wouldn’t tell me which of us he had called first,(just like Santa) and he said that he would send the sled around for me at 12:03 the next morning.
I’m not nocturnal like the Tooth Fairy, or even Santa but I agreed. So I set my alarm clock in the hutch and was showered and ready to go before Midnight.
Well, true to his word at precisely 12:03 there was a clattering of hooves and a crunch- never did find out what went “crunch”- and I popped out of the hutch and climbed aboard the sleigh.
Well…Molar The Tooth Fairy was aboard and we renewed old acquaintances.
I had run into her once at work(yes it’s a she)when Tommy Tucker couldn’t eat his supper after he bit into a roll and lost number 6 tooth (which coinciDENTly is the First Molar) on Easter Eve.
But I digress!
We exchanged stories on the ride down to Santa’s Island vacation house. Actually the Tooth Fairy is very nice even though her dress was a bit strange with all flowing ribbons and lacey trims…but actually when you think about it, the only one of us that kids actually ever see is Santa, so it doesn’t really matter what we look like or wear does it?
We arrived on the sandy beach in-between the palm trees with a perfect thirty-eight point landing. Santa was there all smiles with a cool pink frosty mug of punch in each hand and was wearing a brightly colored sport shirt and Bermuda shorts….neither of them red by the way.
Mrs. Claus was waving to us from the doorway, and we got off the sleigh, took a sip and went inside.
Santa invited us to sit at the big round table where Mrs. Claus had prepared a tropical fruit salad with extra lettuce for me.
“I thought we should have this meeting to discuss how we all might use our abilities to help kids and all folks to be even happier.” Santa said.
“I agree!” I agreed.
“We only get to “Do our Thing” once a year Santa, and Ms. Fairy only visits kids after they’ve lost a tooth.” I added…Santa nodding his beardy head in agreement.
“My point exactly Mr. Bunny!” Santa remarked.
Then Santa added “I’ll tell you a secret that only Mrs. Claus knows. Well…the Elves know too of course, can’t keep any secrets with them around.”
Ms. Fairy and I were all ears awaiting Santa’s confession. Some say I’m all ears ALL the time…but I digress again.
“During the year, when I’m not at the Pole or here on vacation, I put on my grey pinstriped suit and white shirt and navy tie and my black wingtip shoes and go down into the populated cities and towns of the real world and just kinda blend in. Act like a regular citizen don’t cha know.”
“Wow…that sounds like fun!” exclaimed Ms. Fairy.
“Yeah Santa…what a hoot!” I added.
“Anyhow…” Santa continued…”I’ll drop off a secret, very needed donation or put some money on the ground so a poor person can find it…or I’ll secretly fix something broken in the hope of making someone’s life easier and better.”
“What a nice thing to do!” Ms. Fairy and I both replied.
“Well…” Santa continued..”I think…”
But I politely stopped him and said..”I know…why don’t we all do that. Slip into the general citizenry and secretly help out and no one will ever know it was us. Then maybe it will catch on and lots and lots of folks will do good things without wanting to be thanked or rewarded.”
“You’ve got it Mr. Bunny!”
We all voted unanimously that day to start helping wherever and whenever we could without anyone knowing that it was us.
But what I haven’t told you is that the meeting that Santa called was many many years ago and you know…I think our plan is beginning to work better and better every year and…by the way…thank YOU for helping too.
About the time that the North Pole elves gave Santa (formerly Kris Kringle) his famous name, Mrs. Kringle….ah…CLAUS told him that he needed a distinctive suit to wear on that special night.
All the elves and of course Santa agreed that it was a good idea but nobody…and I mean NO one could agree on the style and color.
Oh there were many suggestions about Robes and Parkas and even green tights…(that one obviously came from the Elves) and all agreed that there should be fur trimming too. (But NOT Caribou fur. Everyone and especially the reindeer, which are actually caribou themselves, unanimously agreed!)
Being an excellent seamstress as well as a VERY understanding wife, Mrs. Claus had a cupboard chock full of bolts of fabric in many colors, including in fact all of the colors of the rainbow.
Mrs. Claus held up samples of fabric under Santa’s chin to see how each color suited Santa’s coloring and svelte shape.
The Elves loved EVERY one, so of course their opinion was dismissed by Mrs. Claus (remember the tights suggestion?).
Well the white fabric almost made Santa disappear…sort of North Pole camouflage…and that just wouldn’t do.
No green…that was an Elf color…and the blue…well…picture a giant blueberry if you will.
The yellow was pretty good but the Elves couldn’t stop snickering and muttering something about “The Lemon That Ate The North Pole”
After that… I’m sure you all can guess what the Elves thought of Santa in an Orange suit.
Purple?…”NO!” Santa didn’t even allow his wife to hold that fabric anywhere near him.
There was one bolt of fabric left…all together now…. that’s right…RED!
“What do you think?” Mrs. Claus asked Santa.
“Hmmmm”….hmmmm’d Santa. And as he looked around all the Elves were nodding their pointy capped heads and gathering close by Santa.
“Ah…yes I like…no…I LOVE it!” exclaimed Santa.
“Whew!” the relieved Mrs. Claus sighed, and then set about to make the famous suit that Santa is never publicly seen without.
And in spite of what one Elf whispered upon first seeing Santa in his new red suit…Fire Engines are VERY masculine!
The very last chimney in the very last house that Santa visited on Christmas Eve proved to be just a wee bit too narrow for Santa and his belly full of cookies and milk.
If it weren’t for Blitzen’s quick thinking using the emergency can of WD40 that was in the sleigh’s tool kit…well Santa might have been stuck in there until New Years!
With the maximum effort by 5 of the “worn out from flying” reindeer, they were able after 12 long minutes to eventually ease Santa up and out onto the roof of 8954B6 Changyang Palace Road and back into the sleigh.
Santa’s suit was ripped and smudged and Mrs’ Claus would have to sew a brand new suit before next Christmas for sure!
Mrs. Claus knew it the moment Santa returned to the North Pole as she waited for him with a sugar-free hot chocolate…Santa ABSOLUTELY HAD TO go immediately on a diet!
Well…from January through November Santa didn’t eat a single snow cone, his favorite flavor being “Starlight” and he switched to Diet Cokes and ate lots of iceberg lettuce (without dressing…ah…salad dressing that is) and Mrs. Claus made him loads of snow peas but he couldn’t have even a taste of his favorite sandwich ingredients…cold cuts and North Polish Sausage!
Santa got just a tad grumpy but he did get less and less fat until he finally got onto the scale in November and he had lost so much weight that it didn’t even register on his “Special” Santa scale which was specially set to not count the first 150 pounds.
(It was a Christmas present from Rudolph.)
Santa went on his annual trip to the Thanksgiving Day Parade and not one single person recognized him and even after he showed his pilot’s license they wouldn’t let him ride in the parade. “Santa didn’t show up this year,” they all said, which of course made Santa doubly sad.
What to do?
With only 30 days to go Santa knew that he had to eat 26 meals a day in order to regain his Santa weight in time for his flight.
He hadn’t eaten 26 meals a day since he was young but if it was going to make him his jolly old self again…it was worth it.
The elves took on extra kitchen duties helping to bake the cookies and cakes and pies and making the ice cream and hot fudge and the whipped cream toppings….and well….just about everything that you aren’t supposed to eat…UNLESS you want to get fat!
Finally on the 24th of December Santa got back on his special scale and BROKE it!
What a smile Santa smiled! His belt was in the very last hole and his buttons were straining to stay closed…Santa was indeed back to his Jolly old self!
And Mrs. Claus heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight “On Dasher On Dancer…on Donner and Blitzen…let’s go get some cookies and milk!”