Hi…you don’t know me because, well…that’s the way we elves like to keep it. I want to tell you a secret that Santa keeps with the utmost care…his actual, real honest to goodness… Birthday.
When we would ask Santa what day his Birthday was, he always told us that it was on November 36th. Well, come to find out, through eons of elf research, Santa wasn’t fibbing to us. His REAL birthday is on December 6th (he won’t say what year but trust me, it was a VERY LONG time ago) and if you count from November 30th to December 6th you’ll see that he’s right.
Well this year we are throwing him a huge surprise party on November 36th and all the current and retired Elves and Ms. Claus and the Caribou (you know them as Reindeer) and a few old friends of Santa’s from when he was a young civilian are coming.
Thinking of the right gift is always difficult you know. Santa never says that he wants anything. Mrs. Claus always knits him something in his favorite color…heliotrope. By the way, he also likes Puce!
We Elves made him an electric muffler last year but it caught his beard on fire. His normally white beard did match his red suit briefly before we managed to find unfrozen water to throw on Santa to extinguish the fire but then Santa had a burnt up beard with icicles hanging down from all over his beard and nose. He got a bit quiet when we all laughed out loud including Mrs. Claus and even the Caribou were snickering.
But this year we are building Santa a helium gift bag to lighten his load of toys (for GOOD little girls and boys)
We could get more done if some of the elves would stop gulping the helium and then speaking in very low bass voices causing everyone to go into hysterics!
We Elves were thinking of inviting a representative from the Good kids out there to Santa’s Birthday Party this year.
If you were chosen to attend, what gift do you think Santa would like?
Those are all good ideas and if you are selected to attend the party we’ll notify you by November 34th (that’s a Friday)but no matter what, Santa will be at your place December 24th after you are asleep.
Maybe this year if you leave Santa anything that night you might want to add at the bottom of the card that says “For Santa”…”HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!”

“Gee…gnats are a gnuisance” Phil said.
Then suddenly Phil heard a very very small high pitched voice say “Gnot all Gnats are Gnot Gnice Buddy!”
Phil looked around and couldn’t see where that itsy bitsy voice came from.
“Hey…Buddy…over here…gnot over there!” A tiny Gnat was yelling at Phil.
“Oh…yes….I think I see you.”
“Well…Gnats get a bad reputation…undeserved in my humble opinion.”
“Well….what do Gnats like you do?” asked Phil.
“Ah…we can pollinate orchids.”
“We don’t have any orchids…what else?”
“Ah…we can eat very tiny pests from plants.”
“They must be REALLY tiny all right.”
“Well…yeah….but we’re here anyway so live with it…besides I think that you are being a very big pest. You humans are always swatting at us poor gnats and that’s gnot gnice.”
Then Phil asked “Why do you spell your name with a “G” anyhow?”
“‘Cause we were gnamed by the same gnut that gnamed the Gnu

It was 12:14 AM, later than usual when the Mitchells finally turned off all the downstairs lights and went up to bed. After a few moments…”Everyone….all clear…we may commence the evenings festivities!” The shrill, but very feminine voice of the porcelain “Majesty” pattern teapot announced from the dining room breakfront.
“Hey any of youse in dere seen Homer?” An earthenware pitcher called out from the kitchen.

“Naw but I did hear a huge clatter in the kitchen around noon!” responded a pepper grinder which had a marvelous view from the shelf above the stove.
“I didn’t shee noshing from where I wash all day.” said the cream pitcher with the chipped lip.

“Well he ain’t in the sink and he ain’t in the dishwasher….and…OH OH….what’s dem pieces I see in da trash….could dat be….” the earthenware pitcher moaned a soft moan and then went silent.
“Hey youse guys we’re ready to party!” the plastic knife yelled from the picnic basket!

“Well, I imagine we have to allow all utensils to participate in each evenings festivities.” The porcelain chocolate  pot sniffed.

And indeed most evenings all the Mitchell household’s plates, cups, serving pieces and flatware shook off their frozen daytime personalities and had a grand get together in the kitchen. The sterling silver still tended to hang around with the porcelain dinnerware and the earthenware were more often seen with the plastic picnicware but all gathered for a bit of exercise and fun after a full day of remaining totally still. The plates spun on their edges and the cups twirled and all danced in their own style and the dish did NOT run away with the spoon as was reported earlier!
But it was a hard and fast rule that two minutes before sunrise all participants had to return to their rightful places.

Well one fine morning in June a porcelain porridge bowl and a plastic spoon did not get back in time and had to freeze in their positions in the very center of the kitchen table!

Mr. And Mrs. Mitchell descended the stairs…”What’s this! This bowl and spoon weren’t here last night Martha…we’ve had burglars in the house!!!”
“Don’t be silly Reginald…burglars don’t eat porridge! It’s just the utensils having fun!”

As Grandkids grow older they change very fast
Yes “Two weeks ago”…well that was the past
Being a Grandpa today has many trials
But all that you’re after are one of “Those Smiles”

They get taller and cuter and quicker and smarter
If a Grandpa wants answers then he’s gotta barter
They also learn things that you have forgot
If you EVER did know them…probably not

When talking to Dannie…Zoology’s her thing
If chatting with Lucy great books are the king
Now Gigi loves Science…not one of my fields
And Gus loves Gymnastics…my head’s over heels

Jonathan and Star Wars are so closely linked
He’ll spout twenty facts before I have blinked
John Scot Junior always knows what is newest
And my knowledge of new things is one of my fewest

When talking to Judson Silly’s the game
But I’m up for that ’cause it’s part of my name
And then there is Sarah too young to converse
But she is so cute that I want to write verse

All Eight of my grandkids are God’s great blessing
And I love them all dearly…to that I’m confessing

Phil Python, Teresa Tarantula, Chucky Cockroach, and Harry Hornet were great friends and decided to go trick or treating together.
They were all deciding what costumes to wear and were having a difficult time.
“If I weren’t so long and skinny I could pass for a worm!” Phil said.
“If I had two less legs, I could dress up a stink bug.” Teresa said.
“Well, if I had two more legs I could be a Black Widow spider,” Chucky added.
“If I didn’t have this big stinger, I could wear a tuxedo.” Harry said.
“Wait a second! Why don’t we all just go trick or treating and just pretend that we are wearing costumes even though we aren’t?” Phil suggested.
“What a great idea Phil!” Chucky said, but Harry was sad, and then began to smile and said “Well, I’m going to dress up as a Hornet in a tuxedo!” And he did and the group got lots of candy…but also a few screams and slammed doors! But that was nothing new!

Halloween was getting close and Santa hadn’t decided what costume he would choose to wear this year. Last year he dressed up as the Easter Bunny but his eggs froze and the year before he wanted to be the Tooth Fairy but he couldn’t fit into the tights…TOO TIGHT!
He asked Mrs. Claus for her ideas. After all….it was mostly her skill as a seamstress that enabled Santa to have any costume at all. She said that she would think about it but she had to decide what to wear herself. She usually attended the Halloween parties as the wife of whatever character Santa himself was dressed up as but this year decided that she would be someone different…maybe Marie Antoinette. She would design and sew herself a beautiful ball gown and give out cupcakes to all at the party.
It was always kept a secret what everyone was wearing until the actual party. The elves stayed in their workshops creating their costumes and Santa and Mrs. Claus didn’t leave their house until they headed for the actual Halloween party in the barn.
The reindeer, who weren’t very handy since they had no hands just switched nameplates every year and Santa had to guess which reindeer they really were. Rudolph wore makeup on his nose and went as Dasher last year.
Well…finally Santa decided that to both trick all the elves and to honor them too, this year Santa would dress up as an elf. Mrs. Claus painted an old pair of Santa’s work pants green, (no tights remember) and as soon as the cupcakes were cool and frosted she put them on a silver tray and both she and Santa headed for the party Barn on Halloween night.
Mrs. Claus entered first and the elves were surprised and yelled and whistled at Mrs.Claus and her cupcakes and then when Santa came in they were surprised to see the biggest elf EVER!
But the most surprised was Santa himself…because you see all of the elves were dressed ….as SANTA!

“Don’t go up to that house Billy, there’s a ghost that lives there! Jason has saw it!” Tommy said.
“Jason has SEEN it.” corrected Billy.
“Yeah, that’s what I said!”
“Well, I’m going anyhow! Besides, it’s Halloween. Halloween is for witches and…wait for it…GHOSTS!!!”
“Well, I’m leavin’.”
“Me TOO!” both of the other boys said as they quickstepped their way down the street and away from the creepy house!
Billy had to admit, at least to himself, that it was scary, even for Halloween, but he creaked up the old splintered steps and just as he was about to push the doorbell button…
“WHAT???” The door flew open and just about the oldest, grayest, staringist person he’d EVER seen yelled out at him.
He was so startled that he nearly fell off of the top porch step, but caught himself just in time to prevent falling.
After recovering his balance and a little nerve, the door was still filled with the eeriest sight his nine-year-old eyes had ever seen or imagined, he gathered his strength and said ..”That wasn’t very nice you know. I know that I’m supposed to respect my elders but you make it VERY difficult M’aam.”
There was just a stare back at him with steely eyes that didn’t seem to even have any white parts to them.
After just staring at each other, Billy decided to just leave…”Well, Happy Halloween M’aam.”
A pause then…”Wait.” When Billy looked back at the woman in the door he saw that tears were streaming out of both of her old tired and, he had to admit, scary eyes.
“I’m sorry. I just hate being scary and hateful. But, everybody thinks that I’m a witch or worse yet, a ghost and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it!” She was fully crying now.
“Oh, M’aam there is always something that you can do. Besides we kids LIKE to be scared and on Halloween, well, you’re just about the scariest…” No wait, thought Billy. THAT won’t help.”
“Here, take my candy and give it out to the trick or treaters. I’ll go get more while you do that and I’ll help you give it out too if you’d like!”
“Why don’t you sit down on this porch chair M’aam.”
“I…I haven’t been outside since, this is gonna sound strange, the full moon of last Halloween.”
“You’re right…strange. But make the most of it. I’ll help you!”

Well, little Billy Smith helped the lady, who he found out was Ima Sloan, over the threshold and out onto the porch. He placed the candy into her dress lap and then went out to the curb and directed kids to “Trick Or Treat” the Scariest candy giver EVER!”
Ms. Sloan started each kid with a grumpy look then laughed out loud as she gave them the treat!
Soon there was a line forming and the candy was running out. “You each have to put a candy in and then take a candy out!”
In less than twenty minutes, the line was out on Elm Street and down the block.
A newspaper photographer who was out covering the story for the local press actually took Ms. Sloan’s and Billy’s picture and it appeared in the next morning’s edition.
Ms. Sloan was a local celebrity and so was Billy and neither one could wait for next Halloween!

“Is your Dad letting you go this year?”
“Well…he hasn’t said “No” yet!”
“Tell him that all of us are going and you’d be the only one missing from the party!”
“Doesn’t work…tried that last year.”
“Ummmm….I’VE GOT AN IDEA!…tell him and your Mom that we need chaperones and they HAVE to dress up in a costume TOO!”
“Hey…that might work…I’ll try it tonight when Dad comes home from the woods.”
“Dusty…the juvenile ground hog waddled back toward the hole which was the North entrance to the family burrow.
Rachael racoon watched him leave and crossed her paws hoping that Dusty’s parents would let him go to this year’s celebration and EVEN join him there. It’s always fun for the animals to dress up in costumes and pretend they were not who they really were. After all, why should humans have all the fun?

Rachael hadn’t decided exactly what she was going to dress up as this year. Last year she went to the Halloween party as a badger. All she really had to do was put some makeup over part of the black “bandit” looking eye fur but everybody knew exactly who she really was and recognized her instantly.It wasn’t really much of a costume and was a total flop as a disguise. This year she would fool them all, but she wasn’t sure exactly how just yet.

Dusty didn’t know it but his Mom had been talking to his Dad about the Halloween party this year and had already convinced him to let Dusty go. When Dusty asked his parents about being chaperones he was amazed how fast they agreed to let him go and go with him. Then after his Mom told Dusty they had ALREADY agreed that he could go to the festivities this year, Dusty wondered if he really had to suggest the “chaperone” idea at all! Oh well…he loved his parents and it WOULD be fun to see them in costume too! He wondered what they would dress up as. And he wondered what HE would dress up as too!
Dusty was thinking about his costume in his burrow and Rachael was thinking in her home tree.
Dusty thought that it would be great to be a really mean looking animal and Rachael was trying to think of the prettiest animal she could.

Dusty’s Mom and Dad were stumped as to what to be since they had to set a fine example for the young animals at the party.
Finally the days passed and the night of the Wild Halloween Party arrived. Squeeky the chipmunk was the first to arrive at the old hollow oak tree and his costume made him look like a mouse with big ears and pink tail. After all Squeeky couldn’t exactly fool anyone dressed up as an elephant!

Next to arrive was Buster the dog with four coffee cups strapped to his paws and a homemade saddle on his back and a bunch of long grasses tied to his tail. He “whinnied” very convincingly.
Hester the cat believe it or not was dressed up as a poodle and had her fur curled all over her body and said “Meo…I mean…WOOF!”

Then Rachael showed up all dusted with pink powder and a pink bow around her neck…”I’m a teddy bear!”
Well, the ground hog family was right behind her with Mom and Dad in full costumes. Dad groundhog had a striped shirt on and black shorts and a silver whistle around his neck…”I’m gonna referee you kids tonight so you’d better behave!”
“Hurrah…Yeah!” shouted Mom groundhog who was shaking pom poms while wearing a pleated skirt and tennis shoes and a Tee shirt with a big “G” on it.

Tom Turtle had his shell painted orange with black eyes, nose and toothy mouth drawn on and so he was “Jack O Lantern”. He looked very convincing when he drew back his head and legs into his shell.

Dusty was the last to arrive and at first Rachael didn’t recognize him dressed up as the meanest looking racoon you ever did see!
Then Rachael and Dusty and Dusty’s Mom and Dad and all the animals there laughed and had a great time at the wildest Halloween party EVER!.

HELLO…Hello…hello…said Echo from the cave

She couldn’t but she wanted to… add a little wave

She also had to always….stay hidden from the view

And never ever speak unless she was spoken to

Though she lived in canyons, chambers and some far off hills

She never started conversations about her life on rocks and rills

Her role was to wait silently…of this she wasn’t fond

Because she had to hold her voice and only could respond

But Echo had a secret that she would never share

She whistles, yells and shouts a lot when no one else is there

“How many words today Bobby?” Ralph asked with his hand on his writer friend’s shoulder.
“458…not Hemingway’s 500 daily minimum, but I think good ones so I’m OK with it.”
“As long as you move the story forward Bobby.”
“How about you. How many?”
“Oh I couldn’t believe it, but I sat down and placed my fingers on the keyboard and I just kept typing. 1258 as I ended Chapter Six and I could have easily gone on but I had to go along food shopping with Rachael.”
“Wow! It comes so easily to you and your main character Arthur is so interesting.”
“Thanks! It’s kinda eerie, but the only parts of the writing that I have trouble with are the scenes without Arthur in them.”
“Maybe you should have written a biography of Arthur Wright instead of an action thriller.” Bobby was chuckling but Ralph looked at him rather seriously.
“I think that’s exactly what he wants!”
“Huh?”
“Arthur. You’ve hit upon it.”
“I was just kidding Ralph…you don’t really think…”
“I just got a crazy idea. Would you try something for me with your historical novel?”
“You…you’re serious aren’t you Ralph?”
“Look. Sit there at your writing desk and start your next sentence with “Mr. Wright….”
“You are seriously starting to worry me Ralph. You’ve been writing too much lately buddy.”
“Ha. You’re scared of him aren’t you?”
“Ridiculous!”
“Then do it.”
Bobby wrote “Mr. Wright…..and then started typing faster then he thought that he could. Faster than he had ever typed before and as his fingers were a blur above the keyboard, he was smiling.”
Ralph had to pull his friend’s hands away from the computer and force him to back off.
“I…I…don’t know what just happened but…well…it was fun! Really fun!”
“Ha…told you!”
The two friends leaned in to look at the screen and as they read what Bobby had just written, realized that the story had nearly zoomed off of the screen and they were both completely disappointed when the words ended mid sentence.
They both just stood and stared at each other in total disbelief.
“What if you changed his name slightly? Would that still work. We couldn’t have the same main character.” Ralph suggested.
“Let’s try!” Bobby sat at his computer and wrote “Adrian Wrightson decided to….”……… NOTHING!
“Guess not. Now what?” asked Bobby.
After quite a while, Ralph said “Would it be possible for both of us to have Arthur Wright as our main character?”
“No! He’s your character Ralph. I’ll just keep on…”
“Nonsense! You are my best friend and I don’t mind sharing in the least. Besides, we both need him now…and he knows it!”
Another staring session and a final agreement to the craziest of realities.
“Well, we could be co-authors or we could just write a series of stories about Arthur and alternate back and forth like a serial.” suggested Ralph.
“If you are sure you don’t mind sharing him Ralph.”
“I truly don’t think we have a choice Bobby.”

It was but seventeen months later when Bobby and Ralph were in New York City accepting the “Best Adventure Series of the Year” award for the blockbuster hit that had sold nearly a million copies of the four book series and was soon to become a full length movie “THE MYSTERIOUS ARTHUR WRIGHT!”