Mrs. Claus was knitting tiny footies out of the brightest red yarn ever spun. Oh, they weren’t for any baby that the Claus’ knew but were special presents for Gamin the Elf whose old footies just plain wore out.
She noticed Santa pacing up and down the living room and looking out the door window every few seconds.
“What’s the matter, Dear? Does something have you worried this season?” She asked without even looking up from her knitting.
“Well…it should have been here by now….or even by yesterday. There are only two days to go!” said Santa wringing his hands and staring out into the snowy horizon.
Then after another hour or so there was a loud “VRRROOOM” which shook the whole house and startled Mrs. Claus causing her to “drop a stitch.”
“Oh, My…what was that?” Mrs. Claus exclaimed.
Santa was jumping up and down and clapping his hands and opening the front door and charging out without even putting on his red jacket.
“You’ll catch a cold if you go out without…..” Mrs. Claus started to say but it was too late because Santa was already making tracks in the North Pole snow running like a youngster out to the front gate.
Mrs. Claus put down her knitting and went to the door and what she saw made her jump back in amazement.
For sitting right in front of the gate was a huge shiny silver object with flashing lights and white smoke coming out of its enormous tail.
Santa was still jumping around like a little boy on Christmas morning as Mrs. Claus came out to join him. She hadn’t seen him this happy since…well…last Christmas.
“What is it Dear?” she asked.
“Oh it’s my new sled…it’s finally here!”
Santa was looking over and under and all around the new “contraption” as Mrs. Claus called it.
“How did it get here? I mean there’s no driver or delivery man or anyone.” Mrs. Claus was very confused by the whole scene.
“Oh, it’s programmable. “Fly by wire” my Dear it’s the newest thing. Doesn’t actually need a driver/pilot or whatever.” Santa’s smile was wide and he crinkled his nose as he admired his new flying device.
“It’ll do Mach One easy! Oh….it’s gonna save me so much more time. Had to do something with so many more children that I have to get to these days.” Mrs. Claus could hardly see Santa’s eyes ’cause he was smiling so much.
“What do you think? Isn’t it wonderful?” Santa asked.
“Ah…well anything that saves you time….except…well…nevermind…..” Mrs. Claus was scratching her head and actually looking sad.
“What’s the matter…I guess you don’t understand how wonderful my new sleigh really is because you didn’t have to fly the old one!”
“Ah…no Dear…I was just thinking about…well…you know…the reindeer.”
“Oh….Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and all. Ummm….that’s a good point, Dear.” Santa wasn’t smiling so broadly anymore.
“Maybe you should call them all together and explain that… well…technology has improved the Christmas Eve flight. I’m sure they’ll understand. They probably hated flying all that way through cold and heat and rains and snows…even though they never complained.” Mrs. Claus suggested.
“Ummm….I’m not so sure that my new SUPER SLED was such a good idea after all.”
Santa went over to the stable to break the news to the reindeer
in as positive a manner as he could.
After Santa came back from the stable Mrs. Claus asked him…”Well, how did the reindeer take the news Dear?”
“Ah…we worked something out!”
Two days later right after dusk Mrs. Claus heard the VROOM roar of the engines of Santa’s new SUPER SLED and went to the window to wave Goodbye to Santa and wish him a safe worldwide journey.
As Santa taxied the jet sleigh and turned it to head South,(of course, EVERY direction is South from the North Pole) Mrs. Claus had to chuckle as she saw all eight reindeer sitting in the two back seats and Rudolph riding shotgun up front with Santa!
About the time that the North Pole elves gave Santa (formerly Kris Kringle) his famous name, Mrs. Kringle….ah…CLAUS told him that he needed a distinctive suit to wear on that special night.
All the elves and of course Santa agreed that it was a good idea but nobody…and I mean NO one could agree on the style and color.
Oh there were many suggestions about Robes and Parkas and even green tights…(that one obviously came from the Elves) and all agreed that there should be fur trimming too. (But NOT Caribou fur. Everyone and especially the reindeer, which are actually caribou themselves, unanimously agreed!)
Being an excellent seamstress as well as a VERY understanding wife, Mrs. Claus had a cupboard chock full of bolts of fabric in many colors, including in fact all of the colors of the rainbow.
Mrs. Claus held up samples of fabric under Santa’s chin to see how each color suited Santa’s coloring and svelte shape.
The Elves loved EVERY one, so of course their opinion was dismissed by Mrs. Claus (remember the tights suggestion?).
Well the white fabric almost made Santa disappear…sort of North Pole camouflage…and that just wouldn’t do.
No green…that was an Elf color…and the blue…well…picture a giant blueberry if you will.
The yellow was pretty good but the Elves couldn’t stop snickering and muttering something about “The Lemon That Ate The North Pole”
After that… I’m sure you all can guess what the Elves thought of Santa in an Orange suit.
Purple?…”NO!” Santa didn’t even allow his wife to hold that fabric anywhere near him.
There was one bolt of fabric left…all together now…. that’s right…RED!
“What do you think?” Mrs. Claus asked Santa.
“Hmmmm”….hmmmm’d Santa. And as he looked around all the Elves were nodding their pointy capped heads and gathering close by Santa.
“Ah…yes I like…no…I LOVE it!” exclaimed Santa.
“Whew!” the relieved Mrs. Claus sighed, and then set about to make the famous suit that Santa is never publicly seen without.
And in spite of what one Elf whispered upon first seeing Santa in his new red suit…Fire Engines are VERY masculine!
If you recall the story “Young Santa” you know how Santa first met his amazing Reindeer but I don’t think that I ever told you how they got their individual names.
It became a distinct necessity when Santa first hitched them all up to the sleigh and then tried to direct them. “You there second from front left…pull a bit right!”
Well…as you might imagine, it caused some confusion and delay since the reindeer were all counting rows and lefts and rights to figure out which one of them Santa was actually directing. This could never be when flying and especially landing on tight and may I add slippery rooftops at night.
So Santa decided that each reindeer needed an individual name. He lined them all up in the barn and interviewed each reindeer to determine their individual personalities in order to give them an appropriate name.
First was the most muscular and actually slightly largest reindeer that Santa wanted on the first row right. Since Santa was right handed he preferred to make right turns whenever possible.
“Let’s see. What do you like to do in your spare time?”…he asked the first reindeer.
“Well…I like to run fast whenever I can…if I were a human I’d be a sprinter.”
“Well…then I’ll call you sprinter!” decided Santa.
“Ah…Santa…that sounds like “splinter”…I HATE splinters.”
“All right…let’s see…how about DASHER?”
“LOVE IT!”
“Dasher it is. Next!”
Well, the next reindeer clicked his heels…ah hooves….since he was so glad that it was his turn.
He could hardly stand still waiting for Santa to suggest his name.
Then Santa said…”My…my….you’ll have to stand still and stop dancing around so that I can decide what name is best for you.”
“That’s IT! Thank you Santa I love it!”
“Ah… Love What?” inquired Santa.
“Dancer…I’m DANCER!”
“OK….then …I…guess….who’s next?”
“Oh…Gee….I wanted to be Dancer….I love dancing and prancing around…I do it all the time…almost.”
“Great….then you will be PRANCER! How’s that?”
“Perfect! Thanks, Santa.”
“OK….you there…”
Then a shy somewhat smaller and a bit prettier reindeer stepped to the front and in a gentle voice asked “ME?”
“I have the right name for you since you are female how about…VIXEN?”
“Hmmm…a female fox is named that…and they are very cute…OK thank you, Santa.”
“OK….and…”
Suddenly a reindeer instantly appeared right in front of Santa in a flash.
“Wow…you are quick as a flash…you should be named….something quick and flashy…COMET! How’s that?”
“Yes…yes…yes…COMET…that’s me!”
“Hey this is going pretty well,” said Santa complimenting himself.
Then Santa realized that he shouldn’t have been so quick to brag, which as we all know is not a good thing to do anyway, because he had a very difficult time with the very next Reindeer.
He didn’t have any hobbies and none of his personal skills suggested a name. Santa even asked for suggestions from the named and as yet un-named reindeer and nothing seemed to fit.
Santa thought and thought…”Ah…when were you born?”
“Ah…two winters ago.”
“No, I mean what date!”
“On February 14th Santa.”
“That’s it…you will be…CUPID!”
“Cupid…yeah…I like it!”
“Next! You will be in the last row on the left…right in front of me. But I think that I am running out of names. By the way…who else is left.”
“I am Sir…me and one other… OH….and that strange nosed reindeer out there under the tree.”
“Well…I’ve only got to name you two today…any ideas?”
“The next to last reindeer said …”When I was a baby…I would run so fast even Mom couldn’t catch me and she said that I “Ran like Lightning!”
“PERFECT” exclaimed Santa…you are Blitzen…that’s a Germanic word for Lightning.
Then Santa turned to the very last reindeer…”So little fellow I guess that makes you Donner the Germanic word for Thunder. But Mrs. Claus HATES thunder so we’ll make you DONDER and she won’t even know that we have a little secret about “Thunder and lightning” so you will be to the left of Blitzen in the last row right in front of me.”
Then Santa stood up tall and said…”ATTENTION REINDEER….TO YOUR POSITIONS ON THE DOUBLE!”
And after some jostling about… there was Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen…Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen all in their proper position and enjoying every moment.
Then Santa turned and whistled loudly toward the open field to the reindeer under the tree.
“RUDOLPH…come over here and join us at the front…and light up that headlight nose of yours!
Rudolph galloped over realizing not only was he NOT left out but actually would be the leader of all the reindeer in the very front of Santa’s sleigh!
But Rudolph did wonder where Santa came up with that name!
Hi…you don’t know me because, well…that’s the way we elves like to keep it. I want to tell you a secret that Santa keeps with the utmost care…his actual, real honest to goodness… Birthday.
When we would ask Santa what day his Birthday was, he always told us that it was on November 36th. Well, come to find out, through eons of elf research, Santa wasn’t fibbing to us. His REAL birthday is on December 6th (he won’t say what year but trust me, it was a VERY LONG time ago) and if you count from November 30th to December 6th you’ll see that he’s right.
Well this year we are throwing him a huge surprise party on November 36th and all the current and retired Elves and Ms. Claus and the Caribou (you know them as Reindeer) and a few old friends of Santa’s from when he was a young civilian are coming.
Thinking of the right gift is always difficult you know. Santa never says that he wants anything. Mrs. Claus always knits him something in his favorite color…heliotrope. By the way, he also likes Puce!
We Elves made him an electric muffler last year but it caught his beard on fire. His normally white beard did match his red suit briefly before we managed to find unfrozen water to throw on Santa to extinguish the fire but then Santa had a burnt up beard with icicles hanging down from all over his beard and nose. He got a bit quiet when we all laughed out loud including Mrs. Claus and even the Caribou were snickering.
But this year we are building Santa a helium gift bag to lighten his load of toys (for GOOD little girls and boys)
We could get more done if some of the elves would stop gulping the helium and then speaking in very low bass voices causing everyone to go into hysterics!
We Elves were thinking of inviting a representative from the Good kids out there to Santa’s Birthday Party this year.
If you were chosen to attend, what gift do you think Santa would like?
Those are all good ideas and if you are selected to attend the party we’ll notify you by November 34th (that’s a Friday)but no matter what, Santa will be at your place December 24th after you are asleep.
Maybe this year if you leave Santa anything that night you might want to add at the bottom of the card that says “For Santa”…”HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!”
“Gee…gnats are a gnuisance” Phil said.
Then suddenly Phil heard a very very small high pitched voice say “Gnot all Gnats are Gnot Gnice Buddy!”
Phil looked around and couldn’t see where that itsy bitsy voice came from.
“Hey…Buddy…over here…gnot over there!” A tiny Gnat was yelling at Phil.
“Oh…yes….I think I see you.”
“Well…Gnats get a bad reputation…undeserved in my humble opinion.”
“Well….what do Gnats like you do?” asked Phil.
“Ah…we can pollinate orchids.”
“We don’t have any orchids…what else?”
“Ah…we can eat very tiny pests from plants.”
“They must be REALLY tiny all right.”
“Well…yeah….but we’re here anyway so live with it…besides I think that you are being a very big pest. You humans are always swatting at us poor gnats and that’s gnot gnice.”
Then Phil asked “Why do you spell your name with a “G” anyhow?”
“‘Cause we were gnamed by the same gnut that gnamed the Gnu
The Dishes by russ mckay
Nov 13
It was 12:14 AM, later than usual when the Mitchells finally turned off all the downstairs lights and went up to bed. After a few moments…”Everyone….all clear…we may commence the evenings festivities!” The shrill, but very feminine voice of the porcelain “Majesty” pattern teapot announced from the dining room breakfront.
“Hey any of youse in dere seen Homer?” An earthenware pitcher called out from the kitchen.
“Naw but I did hear a huge clatter in the kitchen around noon!” responded a pepper grinder which had a marvelous view from the shelf above the stove.
“I didn’t shee noshing from where I wash all day.” said the cream pitcher with the chipped lip.
“Well he ain’t in the sink and he ain’t in the dishwasher….and…OH OH….what’s dem pieces I see in da trash….could dat be….” the earthenware pitcher moaned a soft moan and then went silent.
“Hey youse guys we’re ready to party!” the plastic knife yelled from the picnic basket!
“Well, I imagine we have to allow all utensils to participate in each evenings festivities.” The porcelain chocolate pot sniffed.
And indeed most evenings all the Mitchell household’s plates, cups, serving pieces and flatware shook off their frozen daytime personalities and had a grand get together in the kitchen. The sterling silver still tended to hang around with the porcelain dinnerware and the earthenware were more often seen with the plastic picnicware but all gathered for a bit of exercise and fun after a full day of remaining totally still. The plates spun on their edges and the cups twirled and all danced in their own style and the dish did NOT run away with the spoon as was reported earlier!
But it was a hard and fast rule that two minutes before sunrise all participants had to return to their rightful places.
Well one fine morning in June a porcelain porridge bowl and a plastic spoon did not get back in time and had to freeze in their positions in the very center of the kitchen table!
Mr. And Mrs. Mitchell descended the stairs…”What’s this! This bowl and spoon weren’t here last night Martha…we’ve had burglars in the house!!!”
“Don’t be silly Reginald…burglars don’t eat porridge! It’s just the utensils having fun!”
As Grandkids grow older they change very fast
Yes “Two weeks ago”…well that was the past
Being a Grandpa today has many trials
But all that you’re after are one of “Those Smiles”
They get taller and cuter and quicker and smarter
If a Grandpa wants answers then he’s gotta barter
They also learn things that you have forgot
If you EVER did know them…probably not
When talking to Dannie…Zoology’s her thing
If chatting with Lucy great books are the king
Now Gigi loves Science…not one of my fields
And Gus loves Gymnastics…my head’s over heels
Jonathan and Star Wars are so closely linked
He’ll spout twenty facts before I have blinked
John Scot Junior always knows what is newest
And my knowledge of new things is one of my fewest
When talking to Judson Silly’s the game
But I’m up for that ’cause it’s part of my name
And then there is Sarah too young to converse
But she is so cute that I want to write verse
All Eight of my grandkids are God’s great blessing
And I love them all dearly…to that I’m confessing
Phil Python, Teresa Tarantula, Chucky Cockroach, and Harry Hornet were great friends and decided to go trick or treating together.
They were all deciding what costumes to wear and were having a difficult time.
“If I weren’t so long and skinny I could pass for a worm!” Phil said.
“If I had two less legs, I could dress up a stink bug.” Teresa said.
“Well, if I had two more legs I could be a Black Widow spider,” Chucky added.
“If I didn’t have this big stinger, I could wear a tuxedo.” Harry said.
“Wait a second! Why don’t we all just go trick or treating and just pretend that we are wearing costumes even though we aren’t?” Phil suggested.
“What a great idea Phil!” Chucky said, but Harry was sad, and then began to smile and said “Well, I’m going to dress up as a Hornet in a tuxedo!” And he did and the group got lots of candy…but also a few screams and slammed doors! But that was nothing new!
Halloween was getting close and Santa hadn’t decided what costume he would choose to wear this year. Last year he dressed up as the Easter Bunny but his eggs froze and the year before he wanted to be the Tooth Fairy but he couldn’t fit into the tights…TOO TIGHT!
He asked Mrs. Claus for her ideas. After all….it was mostly her skill as a seamstress that enabled Santa to have any costume at all. She said that she would think about it but she had to decide what to wear herself. She usually attended the Halloween parties as the wife of whatever character Santa himself was dressed up as but this year decided that she would be someone different…maybe Marie Antoinette. She would design and sew herself a beautiful ball gown and give out cupcakes to all at the party.
It was always kept a secret what everyone was wearing until the actual party. The elves stayed in their workshops creating their costumes and Santa and Mrs. Claus didn’t leave their house until they headed for the actual Halloween party in the barn.
The reindeer, who weren’t very handy since they had no hands just switched nameplates every year and Santa had to guess which reindeer they really were. Rudolph wore makeup on his nose and went as Dasher last year.
Well…finally Santa decided that to both trick all the elves and to honor them too, this year Santa would dress up as an elf. Mrs. Claus painted an old pair of Santa’s work pants green, (no tights remember) and as soon as the cupcakes were cool and frosted she put them on a silver tray and both she and Santa headed for the party Barn on Halloween night.
Mrs. Claus entered first and the elves were surprised and yelled and whistled at Mrs.Claus and her cupcakes and then when Santa came in they were surprised to see the biggest elf EVER!
But the most surprised was Santa himself…because you see all of the elves were dressed ….as SANTA!
“Don’t go up to that house Billy, there’s a ghost that lives there! Jason has saw it!” Tommy said.
“Jason has SEEN it.” corrected Billy.
“Yeah, that’s what I said!”
“Well, I’m going anyhow! Besides, it’s Halloween. Halloween is for witches and…wait for it…GHOSTS!!!”
“Well, I’m leavin’.”
“Me TOO!” both of the other boys said as they quickstepped their way down the street and away from the creepy house!
Billy had to admit, at least to himself, that it was scary, even for Halloween, but he creaked up the old splintered steps and just as he was about to push the doorbell button…
“WHAT???” The door flew open and just about the oldest, grayest, staringist person he’d EVER seen yelled out at him.
He was so startled that he nearly fell off of the top porch step, but caught himself just in time to prevent falling.
After recovering his balance and a little nerve, the door was still filled with the eeriest sight his nine-year-old eyes had ever seen or imagined, he gathered his strength and said ..”That wasn’t very nice you know. I know that I’m supposed to respect my elders but you make it VERY difficult M’aam.”
There was just a stare back at him with steely eyes that didn’t seem to even have any white parts to them.
After just staring at each other, Billy decided to just leave…”Well, Happy Halloween M’aam.”
A pause then…”Wait.” When Billy looked back at the woman in the door he saw that tears were streaming out of both of her old tired and, he had to admit, scary eyes.
“I’m sorry. I just hate being scary and hateful. But, everybody thinks that I’m a witch or worse yet, a ghost and there is absolutely nothing that I can do about it!” She was fully crying now.
“Oh, M’aam there is always something that you can do. Besides we kids LIKE to be scared and on Halloween, well, you’re just about the scariest…” No wait, thought Billy. THAT won’t help.”
“Here, take my candy and give it out to the trick or treaters. I’ll go get more while you do that and I’ll help you give it out too if you’d like!”
“Why don’t you sit down on this porch chair M’aam.”
“I…I haven’t been outside since, this is gonna sound strange, the full moon of last Halloween.”
“You’re right…strange. But make the most of it. I’ll help you!”
Well, little Billy Smith helped the lady, who he found out was Ima Sloan, over the threshold and out onto the porch. He placed the candy into her dress lap and then went out to the curb and directed kids to “Trick Or Treat” the Scariest candy giver EVER!”
Ms. Sloan started each kid with a grumpy look then laughed out loud as she gave them the treat!
Soon there was a line forming and the candy was running out. “You each have to put a candy in and then take a candy out!”
In less than twenty minutes, the line was out on Elm Street and down the block.
A newspaper photographer who was out covering the story for the local press actually took Ms. Sloan’s and Billy’s picture and it appeared in the next morning’s edition.
Ms. Sloan was a local celebrity and so was Billy and neither one could wait for next Halloween!