“The very last house too!” Santa had just extracted himself from the chimney on Christmas Eve when the motion detector set off the burglar alarm.
So there he was, munching his 267th cookie and 97th ounce of milk that night, when the entire Carter family, Mom and Dad and Jimmy and Sarah and of course, included were “Bark” the cat and “Meow” the cocker spaniel.
“Ah…Ho Ho Ho and all that!” said a very tired Santa who heard disgruntled and impatient hooves up on the roof.
When the Sheriff and his two deputies arrived, there were many apologies and wishes of Merry Christmas floating through the air.
“Wait…I’ve got something for all of you in the sleigh.” said Santa as he grunted his way back up the chimney.
A minute later he clumped to the hearth carrying an armful of Coca Colas and passed them around.
“The Coke CEO is a friend of mine! Train set when he was six.”
Then Santa gave out Best Buy gift cards to all. “Walkman, when that Chairman of the Board was seven.”
As Santa struggled up the last chimney for the last time this year, two deputies in the hearth, carefully pushing to assist, Sheriff Boyd called out “Happy Vacation Santa”.
“Thanks Calvin!” Santa’s voice echoed down the chimney.
“No one has called me Calvin since I was a boy!”

And that is another reason why Santa is SO COOL!

Smack dab in the middle of a great green forest
Far beyond where anyone could see
Grew the tiniest smallest but surely the prettiest
Perfectly shaped evergreen tree

The big trees around him just blocked out the sun
And he could scarcely see stars when each day was done
He wanted to grow big and full like the others
He’d be eight feet tall had he had his druthers

A growing tree needs rain, air and sun
But this poor evergreen almost got none
His secret wish was one day to be
A brightly trimmed star-topped Christmas tree

But alak and alas
As the Christmas’ passed
Not one mortal soul came near him to see
What a spectacularly fine
Christmas tree he would be

It was now his third winter and with snow on his boughs
He was starting to hear some loud whooping yowls
As he glanced around, an astonishing sight
Two kids and two parents appeared in the night

“There it is! I told you…
I saw it before!”
“We just couldn’t find it
But we’ll be searching no more!”

The tree tried his best
Not to look at the axe
But if you want them to take you
You have to face facts

When the chopping was over and had NOT hurt a bit
The tree happily found that he perfectly fit…
In the bed of their pickup, an F150
On the ride home he thought “Man…this is nifty!”

What a wonderful Christmas it came to be
For the lucky family and of course, for the tree
So the littlest tree in the forest had his dreams come true
And if you’re good and patient your dreams will too!

Dear Boys and Girls and Moms and Dads too
This is the first time I’m writing to you
The world has grown bigger and Santa has too
So I have a favor to ask all of you

‘Though I LOVE your gifts of cookies, milk and all that
Please try to leave fewer ’cause I’m getting too fat
Oh I’ve always been heavy Mrs. Claus tells me so
But there is a limit for my belly to grow

Chimneys are narrow ‘though I WISH they were wide
I’m finding it harder to get down inside
I COULD climb through a window or come in through the door
But if I do…there goes the folklore

It’s a modern world and I am traditional
So I cannot change and one thing additional
As I finish this letter I’ll make one more plea
Despite what you’re told…keep believing in me

SANTA

Hi…you don’t know me because, well…that’s the way we elves like to keep it. I want to tell you a secret that Santa keeps with the utmost care…his actual, real honest to goodness… Birthday.
When we would ask Santa what day his Birthday was, he always told us that it was on November 36th. Well, come to find out, through eons of elf research, Santa wasn’t fibbing to us. His REAL birthday is on December 6th (he won’t say what year but trust me, it was a VERY LONG time ago) and if you count from November 30th to December 6th you’ll see that he’s right.
Well this year we are throwing him a huge surprise party on November 36th and all the current and retired Elves and Ms. Claus and the Caribou (you know them as Reindeer) and a few old friends of Santa’s from when he was a young civilian are coming.
Thinking of the right gift is always difficult you know. Santa never says that he wants anything. Mrs. Claus always knits him something in his favorite color…heliotrope. By the way, he also likes Puce!
We Elves made him an electric muffler last year but it caught his beard on fire. His normally white beard did match his red suit briefly before we managed to find unfrozen water to throw on Santa to extinguish the fire but then Santa had a burnt up beard with icicles hanging down from all over his beard and nose. He got a bit quiet when we all laughed out loud including Mrs. Claus and even the Caribou were snickering.
But this year we are building Santa a helium gift bag to lighten his load of toys (for GOOD little girls and boys)
We could get more done if some of the elves would stop gulping the helium and then speaking in very low bass voices causing everyone to go into hysterics!
We Elves were thinking of inviting a representative from the Good kids out there to Santa’s Birthday Party this year.
If you were chosen to attend, what gift do you think Santa would like?
Those are all good ideas and if you are selected to attend the party we’ll notify you by November 34th (that’s a Friday)but no matter what, Santa will be at your place December 24th after you are asleep.
Maybe this year if you leave Santa anything that night you might want to add at the bottom of the card that says “For Santa”…”HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!”

Mrs. Claus was knitting tiny footies out of the brightest red yarn ever spun. Oh, they weren’t for any baby that the Claus’ knew but were special presents for Gamin the Elf whose old footies just plain wore out.
She noticed Santa pacing up and down the living room and looking out the door window every few seconds.
“What’s the matter, Dear? Does something have you worried this season?” She asked without even looking up from her knitting.
“Well…it should have been here by now….or even by yesterday. There are only two days to go!” said Santa wringing his hands and staring out into the snowy horizon.
Then after another hour or so there was a loud “VRRROOOM” which shook the whole house and startled Mrs. Claus causing her to “drop a stitch.”
“Oh, My…what was that?” Mrs. Claus exclaimed.
Santa was jumping up and down and clapping his hands and opening the front door and charging out without even putting on his red jacket.
“You’ll catch a cold if you go out without…..” Mrs. Claus started to say but it was too late because Santa was already making tracks in the North Pole snow running like a youngster out to the front gate.
Mrs. Claus put down her knitting and went to the door and what she saw made her jump back in amazement.
For sitting right in front of the gate was a huge shiny silver object with flashing lights and white smoke coming out of its enormous tail.
Santa was still jumping around like a little boy on Christmas morning as Mrs. Claus came out to join him. She hadn’t seen him this happy since…well…last Christmas.
“What is it Dear?” she asked.
“Oh it’s my new sled…it’s finally here!”
Santa was looking over and under and all around the new “contraption” as Mrs. Claus called it.
“How did it get here? I mean there’s no driver or delivery man or anyone.” Mrs. Claus was very confused by the whole scene.
“Oh, it’s programmable. “Fly by wire” my Dear it’s the newest thing. Doesn’t actually need a driver/pilot or whatever.” Santa’s smile was wide and he crinkled his nose as he admired his new flying device.
“It’ll do Mach One easy! Oh….it’s gonna save me so much more time. Had to do something with so many more children that I have to get to these days.” Mrs. Claus could hardly see Santa’s eyes ’cause he was smiling so much.
“What do you think? Isn’t it wonderful?” Santa asked.
“Ah…well anything that saves you time….except…well…never mind…..” Mrs. Claus was scratching her head and actually looking sad.
“What’s the matter…I guess you don’t understand how wonderful my new sleigh really is because you didn’t have to fly the old one!”
“Ah…no Dear…I was just thinking about…well…you know…the reindeer.”
“Oh….Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and all. Ummm….that’s a good point, Dear.” Santa wasn’t smiling so broadly anymore.
“Maybe you should call them all together and explain that… well…technology has improved the Christmas Eve flight. I’m sure they’ll understand. They probably hated flying all that way through cold and heat and rains and snows…even though they never complained.” Mrs. Claus suggested.
“Ummm….I’m not so sure that my new SUPER SLED was such a good idea after all.”
Santa went over to the stable to break the news to the reindeer
in as positive a manner as he could.
After Santa came back from the stable Mrs. Claus asked him…”Well, how did the reindeer take the news Dear?”
“Ah…we worked something out!”
Two days later right after dusk Mrs. Claus heard the VROOM roar of the engines of Santa’s new SUPER SLED and went to the window to wave Goodbye to Santa and wish him a safe worldwide journey.
As Santa taxied the jet sleigh and turned it to head South,(of course, EVERY direction is South from the North Pole) Mrs. Claus had to chuckle as she saw all eight reindeer sitting in the two back seats and Rudolph riding shotgun up front with Santa!

About the time that the North Pole elves gave Santa (formerly Kris Kringle) his famous name, Mrs. Kringle….ah…CLAUS told him that he needed a distinctive suit to wear on that special night.
All the elves and of course Santa agreed that it was a good idea but nobody…and I mean NO one could agree on the style and color.
Oh there were many suggestions about Robes and Parkas and even green tights…(that one obviously came from the Elves) and all agreed that there should be fur trimming too. (But NOT Caribou fur. Everyone and especially the reindeer, which are actually caribou themselves, unanimously agreed!)
Being an excellent seamstress as well as a VERY understanding wife, Mrs. Claus had a cupboard chock full of bolts of fabric in many colors, including in fact all of the colors of the rainbow.
Mrs. Claus held up samples of fabric under Santa’s chin to see how each color suited Santa’s coloring and svelte shape.
The Elves loved EVERY one, so of course their opinion was dismissed by Mrs. Claus (remember the tights suggestion?).
Well the white fabric almost made Santa disappear…sort of North Pole camouflage…and that just wouldn’t do.
No green…that was an Elf color…and the blue…well…picture a giant blueberry if you will.
The yellow was pretty good but the Elves couldn’t stop snickering and muttering something about “The Lemon That Ate The North Pole”
After that… I’m sure you all can guess what the Elves thought of Santa in an Orange suit.
Purple?…”NO!” Santa didn’t even allow his wife to hold that fabric anywhere near him.
There was one bolt of fabric left…all together now…. that’s right…RED!
“What do you think?” Mrs. Claus asked Santa.
“Hmmmm”….hmmmm’d Santa. And as he looked around all the Elves were nodding their pointy capped heads and gathering close by Santa.
“Ah…yes I like…no…I LOVE it!” exclaimed Santa.
“Whew!” the relieved Mrs. Claus sighed, and then set about to make the famous suit that Santa is never publicly seen without.
And in spite of what one Elf whispered upon first seeing Santa in his new red suit…Fire Engines are VERY masculine!

If you recall the story “Young Santa” you know how Santa first met his amazing Reindeer but I don’t think that I ever told you how they got their individual names.

It became a distinct necessity when Santa first hitched them all up to the sleigh and then tried to direct them. “You there second from front left…pull a bit right!”

Well…as you might imagine, it caused some confusion and delay since the reindeer were all counting rows and lefts and rights to figure out which one of them Santa was actually directing. This could never be when flying and especially landing on tight and may I add slippery rooftops at night.

So Santa decided that each reindeer needed an individual name. He lined them all up in the barn and interviewed each reindeer to determine their individual personalities in order to give them an appropriate name.

First was the most muscular and actually slightly largest reindeer that Santa wanted on the first row right. Since Santa was right handed he preferred to make right turns whenever possible.
“Let’s see. What do you like to do in your spare time?”…he asked the first reindeer.

“Well…I like to run fast whenever I can…if I were a human I’d be a sprinter.”
“Well…then I’ll call you sprinter!” decided Santa.
“Ah…Santa…that sounds like “splinter”…I HATE splinters.”
“All right…let’s see…how about DASHER?”

“LOVE IT!”
“Dasher it is. Next!”
Well, the next reindeer clicked his heels…ah hooves….since he was so glad that it was his turn.

He could hardly stand still waiting for Santa to suggest his name.
Then Santa said…”My…my….you’ll have to stand still and stop dancing around so that I can decide what name is best for you.”
“That’s IT! Thank you Santa I love it!”
“Ah… Love What?” inquired Santa.
“Dancer…I’m DANCER!”

“OK….then …I…guess….who’s next?”
“Oh…Gee….I wanted to be Dancer….I love dancing and prancing around…I do it all the time…almost.”
“Great….then you will be PRANCER! How’s that?”
“Perfect! Thanks, Santa.”

“OK….you there…”
Then a shy somewhat smaller and a bit prettier reindeer stepped to the front and in a gentle voice asked “ME?”
“I have the right name for you since you are female how about…VIXEN?”
“Hmmm…a female fox is named that…and they are very cute…OK thank you, Santa.”

“OK….and…”
Suddenly a reindeer instantly appeared right in front of Santa in a flash.
“Wow…you are quick as a flash…you should be named….something quick and flashy…COMET! How’s that?”
“Yes…yes…yes…COMET…that’s me!”

“Hey this is going pretty well,” said Santa complimenting himself.
Then Santa realized that he shouldn’t have been so quick to brag, which as we all know is not a good thing to do anyway, because he had a very difficult time with the very next Reindeer.
He didn’t have any hobbies and none of his personal skills suggested a name. Santa even asked for suggestions from the named and as yet un-named reindeer and nothing seemed to fit.

Santa thought and thought…”Ah…when were you born?”
“Ah…two winters ago.”
“No, I mean what date!”
“On February 14th Santa.”
“That’s it…you will be…CUPID!”
“Cupid…yeah…I like it!”

“Next! You will be in the last row on the left…right in front of me. But I think that I am running out of names. By the way…who else is left.”
“I am Sir…me and one other… OH….and that strange nosed reindeer out there under the tree.”

“Well…I’ve only got to name you two today…any ideas?”
“The next to last reindeer said …”When I was a baby…I would run so fast even Mom couldn’t catch me and she said that I “Ran like Lightning!”

“PERFECT” exclaimed Santa…you are Blitzen…that’s a Germanic word for Lightning.
Then Santa turned to the very last reindeer…”So little fellow I guess that makes you Donner the Germanic word for Thunder. But Mrs. Claus HATES thunder so we’ll make you DONDER and she won’t even know that we have a little secret about “Thunder and lightning” so you will be to the left of Blitzen in the last row right in front of me.”

Then Santa stood up tall and said…”ATTENTION REINDEER….TO YOUR POSITIONS ON THE DOUBLE!”
And after some jostling about… there was Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen…Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen all in their proper position and enjoying every moment.

Then Santa turned and whistled loudly toward the open field to the reindeer under the tree.
“RUDOLPH…come over here and join us at the front…and light up that headlight nose of yours!

Rudolph galloped over realizing not only was he NOT left out but actually would be the leader of all the reindeer in the very front of Santa’s sleigh!

But Rudolph did wonder where Santa came up with that name!

I’m not sure that I should be telling you this story but…well here goes! Santa likes to have a little fun now and again and one year, right around Thanksgiving Santa went down into the Southworld, (that’s what he calls everything south of the north pole, which of course EVERYTHING is.)
Anyhow, he saw that a “Santa Look-alike” contest was being held at a shopping mall in Minnesota.
He chuckled as he saw the men lining up to enter. While some looked amazingly like him many looked more like Ernest Hemingway, at least according to Santa.
Well, he had to “Ho Ho Ho” and sit kids on his lap and stand with Left then Right then Back profiles and finally after all the dozens of contestants were evaluated by the audience and judges, he was asked to come up onto the stage with two other Santa Wannabes.
After a long and loud drum roll the winner was announced and Santa came in third!

“What’s wrong Tommy?” said Henny.
Tom pointed his wing toward the side of the home tree.
“What?” asked Henny.
“The Calendar.”
“Yes it’s very nice…new isn’t ….OH….I SEE!”
“Yeah…THIS WEEK!” mumbled Tom with his beak drooped down into his floppy red wattle.
“We were fine last year…remember?” Henny reminded Tom attempting to cheer him up.
“Yeah, but I still lost two tail feathers scraping that high stone fence escaping those camouflaged humans.”
Tom was a very unhappy turkey that, try as he might, could NOT keep from staring at the calendar that had NOVEMBER 24th circled in red.
“WHAT WAS THAT?” Tom jumped at the noise.
“That was farmer Walter’s old pickup backfiring….relax Tom,” said Henny using her softest gobble.
“We should just get rid of this calendar Tom if it’s gonna trouble you so……wait…TOM…this calendar is….from last year 2016…Thanksgiving was YESTERDAY!”
Tom looked as if a huge load had been lifted from his wings and he and Henny trotted off wing in wing into farmer Walter’s garden and celebrated the day AFTER Thanksgiving by chomping on a small leftover pumpkin and wishing each other a “Happy NO Thanksgiving”.