Mrs. Claus was knitting tiny footies out of the brightest red yarn ever spun. Oh, they weren’t for any baby that the Claus’ knew but were special presents for Gamin the Elf whose old footies just plain wore out.
She noticed Santa pacing up and down the living room and looking out the door window every few seconds.
“What’s the matter, Dear? Does something have you worried this season?” She asked without even looking up from her knitting.
“Well…it should have been here by now….or even by yesterday. There are only two days to go!” said Santa wringing his hands and staring out into the snowy horizon.
Then after another hour or so there was a loud “VRRROOOM” which shook the whole house and startled Mrs. Claus causing her to “drop a stitch.”
“Oh, My…what was that?” Mrs. Claus exclaimed.
Santa was jumping up and down and clapping his hands and opening the front door and charging out without even putting on his red jacket.
“You’ll catch a cold if you go out without…..” Mrs. Claus started to say but it was too late because Santa was already making tracks in the North Pole snow running like a youngster out to the front gate.
Mrs. Claus put down her knitting and went to the door and what she saw made her jump back in amazement.
For sitting right in front of the gate was a huge shiny silver object with flashing lights and white smoke coming out of its enormous tail.
Santa was still jumping around like a little boy on Christmas morning as Mrs. Claus came out to join him. She hadn’t seen him this happy since…well…last Christmas.
“What is it Dear?” she asked.
“Oh it’s my new sled…it’s finally here!”
Santa was looking over and under and all around the new “contraption” as Mrs. Claus called it.
“How did it get here? I mean there’s no driver or delivery man or anyone.” Mrs. Claus was very confused by the whole scene.
“Oh, it’s programmable. “Fly by wire” my Dear it’s the newest thing. Doesn’t actually need a driver/pilot or whatever.” Santa’s smile was wide and he crinkled his nose as he admired his new flying device.
“It’ll do Mach One easy! Oh….it’s gonna save me so much more time. Had to do something with so many more children that I have to get to these days.” Mrs. Claus could hardly see Santa’s eyes ’cause he was smiling so much.
“What do you think? Isn’t it wonderful?” Santa asked.
“Ah…well anything that saves you time….except…well…never mind…..” Mrs. Claus was scratching her head and actually looking sad.
“What’s the matter…I guess you don’t understand how wonderful my new sleigh really is because you didn’t have to fly the old one!”
“Ah…no Dear…I was just thinking about…well…you know…the reindeer.”
“Oh….Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and all. Ummm….that’s a good point, Dear.” Santa wasn’t smiling so broadly anymore.
“Maybe you should call them all together and explain that… well…technology has improved the Christmas Eve flight. I’m sure they’ll understand. They probably hated flying all that way through cold and heat and rains and snows…even though they never complained.” Mrs. Claus suggested.
“Ummm….I’m not so sure that my new SUPER SLED was such a good idea after all.”
Santa went over to the stable to break the news to the reindeer
in as positive a manner as he could.
After Santa came back from the stable Mrs. Claus asked him…”Well, how did the reindeer take the news Dear?”
“Ah…we worked something out!”
Two days later right after dusk Mrs. Claus heard the VROOM roar of the engines of Santa’s new SUPER SLED and went to the window to wave Goodbye to Santa and wish him a safe worldwide journey.
As Santa taxied the jet sleigh and turned it to head South,(of course, EVERY direction is South from the North Pole) Mrs. Claus had to chuckle as she saw all eight reindeer sitting in the two back seats and Rudolph riding shotgun up front with Santa!

The very last chimney in the very last house that Santa visited on Christmas Eve proved to be just a wee bit too narrow for Santa and his belly full of cookies and milk.
If it weren’t for Blitzen’s quick thinking using the emergency can of WD40 that was in the sleigh’s tool kit…well Santa might have been stuck in there until New Years!
With the maximum effort by 5 of the “worn out from flying” reindeer, they were able after 12 long minutes to eventually ease Santa up and out onto the roof of 8954B6 Changyang Palace Road and back into the sleigh.
Santa’s suit was ripped and smudged and Mrs’ Claus would have to sew a brand new suit before next Christmas for sure!
Mrs. Claus knew it the moment Santa returned to the North Pole as she waited for him with a sugar-free hot chocolate…Santa ABSOLUTELY HAD TO go immediately on a diet!
Well…from January through November Santa didn’t eat a single snow cone, his favorite flavor being “Starlight” and he switched to Diet Cokes and ate lots of iceberg lettuce (without dressing…ah…salad dressing that is) and Mrs. Claus made him loads of snow peas but he couldn’t have even a taste of his favorite sandwich ingredients…cold cuts and North Polish Sausage!
Santa got just a tad grumpy but he did get less and less fat until he finally got onto the scale in November and he had lost so much weight that it didn’t even register on his “Special” Santa scale which was specially set to not count the first 150 pounds.
(It was a Christmas present from Rudolph.)
Santa went on his annual trip to the Thanksgiving Day Parade and not one single person recognized him and even after he showed his pilot’s license they wouldn’t let him ride in the parade. “Santa didn’t show up this year,” they all said, which of course made Santa doubly sad.
What to do?
With only 30 days to go Santa knew that he had to eat 26 meals a day in order to regain his Santa weight in time for his flight.
He hadn’t eaten 26 meals a day since he was young but if it was going to make him his jolly old self again…it was worth it.
The elves took on extra kitchen duties helping to bake the cookies and cakes and pies and making the ice cream and hot fudge and the whipped cream toppings….and well….just about everything that you aren’t supposed to eat…UNLESS you want to get fat!
Finally on the 24th of December Santa got back on his special scale and BROKE it!
What a smile Santa smiled! His belt was in the very last hole and his buttons were straining to stay closed…Santa was indeed back to his Jolly old self!
And Mrs. Claus heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight “On Dasher On Dancer…on Donner and Blitzen…let’s go get some cookies and milk!”

Dear Boys and Girls and Moms and Dads too
This is the first time I’m writing to you
The world has grown bigger and Santa has too
So I have a favor to ask all of you

‘Though I LOVE your gifts of cookies, milk and all that
Please try to leave fewer ’cause I’m getting too fat
Oh I’ve always been heavy Mrs. Claus tells me so
But there is a limit for my belly to grow

Chimneys are narrow ‘though I WISH they were wide
I’m finding it harder to get down inside
I COULD climb through a window or come in through the door
But if I do…there goes the folklore

It’s a modern world and I am traditional
So I cannot change and one thing additional
As I finish this letter I’ll make one more plea
Despite what you’re told…keep believing in me

SANTA

It was the fourth Thursday in November 1621 (far as we can tell) and adults and young’ns and Indian guests assembled for a hearty harvest meal.
“Aesop stop bangin’ on that thing and get in here to dinner!”
“I want drumsticks!” the little guy demanded as he dragged himself away from his musical percussion toy.
“There ain’t no gifts on Thanksgiving…shut up and eat your Turkey legs!”
As the crew sat around the hand-hewn table and after barely getting a taste of the first Thanksgiving feast…
“I’m STUFFED!” a complaint sounded from the center of the table.
“It’s the Turkey Martha…I told you 100 degrees weren’t hot enough to cook him!”
“Best get the other ones offa the radiator then!” she reluctantly agreed.
“I’m outta here!” the Tom turkey scrambled off of the table, leaking stuffing as he went.
“Next year better make “dressing” not stuffing, in case that happens again Martha. I’m losin’ my appetite.”
“I want a new stove thing!” she responded.
“What time is the game?” inquired Chief Wampanoag.
“Lacrosse or soccer?”
“Let’s invent football!” Aesop suggested.
The chief said “How”(“asked” how?)… they were never sure!
“Get the pigskin and let’s kick it around” Squealing ensued.
“You can be the Chiefs, Chief and we’ll be the New England Patriots. OK!”
“As long as I’m not the Redskins I’ll play!” he answered.
The game began but the football deflated when the Patriots were on offense and Chief Wampanoag left taking his Indian corn and carrot souffle with him.
“That went well!” Said John Barleycorn as he drifted off to sleep after suffering the very first overdose of Tryptophan in history!
“Wait ’til next year!” shouted Aesop!
And we all have, for the 401 years since.

His name is Alouishious Watson. His friends call him Al. That is if “AL” had any friends. And therein lies the problem. Alouishious had NO friends. Not one! Nada. Zip point ZERO! Well, you get the idea…NONE!
In fact, Al didn’t even have any non friends, or even enemies. Not having enemies is a good thing that we all should strive to achieve, but there were those lonely days when Al would go to the local sandlot with a bat, ball and glove and couldn’t find a single kid to play ball or even have just a catch with him.
Alouishious had seen the movie “Field Of Dreams” where it said “…if you build it they will come” and he always hoped that kids would magically show up and play with him. That never worked.
Then Al had an idea. “I’ll just make up, pretend, create my own friends in my mind and then I can have my “imaginary” friends to play with any time I wish.”
So that afternoon in the quiet of his room he conjured up his first friend…JOE!
Joe was a lot like Al and loved all the things that Al loved. Baseball, sports cars, computer games, and Joe disliked all the things that Al didn’t like also, such as baths, homework and being punished for breaking stuff.
Then one day Joe suggested that he and Al add another friend or two to their “Boys Only Club” and after lengthy discussion Al and Joe invited Ken and Mike to join.
Now Ken was a great ballplayer and wanted to play for the Orioles when he grew up and Mike was a wiz at math and wanted to be a scientist when he became an adult.
Over the course of the next few weeks, Ken taught Al how to play better baseball and Mike helped him with math so that his homework was lots easier.
Joe encouraged Al all along the way and kept telling Al…”Way to go”…”That’s great”….and “You’re doing a terrific job.”
Alouishious was quickly a changed young boy. He was better at almost everything and hadn’t even been punished for breaking stuff in weeks.
Then, on a sunny afternoon in summer Al went to the sandlot and there were a few kids there playing ball. Seeing Al with his ball, bat and glove, the biggest kid yelled…”Hey Al…wanna play?”
“I sure do!” Al yelled back and went out into the outfield with his glove.
After the game, as it was getting dark, the other boys introduced themselves to their new friend…”I’m Mike…I’m Joe… and he’s Ken and hey Al, you’re a pretty good ballplayer! See ya tomorrow.”

So you figure out the moral to this story. But whatever you decide, having friends is important, but so is BEING a friend!

“OK,OK you guys….and gals, just have patience out there. We’ll get to all of you I promise. Who was next?…I lost track!” The Emporer Penguin doorman checked his clip board…”Now Mr. Pachyderm, what is it exactly that you can’t do?”
The huge grey elephant trumpeted before admitting “I….can’t…..JUMP!”
The penguin checked off the elephant and allowed the huge animal to squeeze through the double doors, with the aid of about six employees pushing the south end of the north facing creature.
“Next!” shouted the Penguin.
The doorman whose name was Ernie, got his job after being a regular attending member of the Cannots and even though Ernie couldn’t fly like other birds, he made a GREAT doorman.
“NEXT!!!” Ernie had to shout to be heard and then felt a tapping on his ankle. When he looked down he saw a black snake looking up at him. “SSS…my name’sss SSSSSam and I can’t run. BUT I CAN SSSLITHER!”
“OK…ah SSSSSAM! Got it!” And the snake slithered into the club.
Outside of the Cannot club the animals were lined up a block long. Ernie was a very intelligent Penguin and after assessing the crowd of animals lined up, he had a thought that would make his job easier and faster and relieve the long lines quickly.
“How many of you, like me, can’t fly?” he yelled.
The raccoons, and possums and groundhogs and dogs and cats and well, nearly every waiting animal except for the ducks and geese raised their paws!
The chickens and pheasants in line raised their wings just about halfway but would need another CANNOT to get them admitted because although they don’t fly well, they do get off of the ground.
The chickens and pheasants were eventually allowed inside because none of them could climb a tree.
Just as Ernie was about to close the entrance door he noticed a small boy leaning against the side of the building and sadly looking down at the ground.
“Ah…kid…what’s the matter? Did your pet go inside the club?” asked a concerned Ernie.
“No…I’m Eric and I was told that this is the Cannot club and I…cannot….READ!”
“Oh my! Well. Here at the club we don’t celebrate what each of us cannot do but we cheer and try to improve the things that we CAN all do. But, in your case, I think that since nearly everyone I know of can read, we will all be happy to teach you how to read. I guarantee you that after lessons from our best readers you will be such a good reader that the library will know you on a first name basis! AND…since you can’t fly either, without an airplane that is, you qualify, so welcome to the Cannot Club.”
And Ernie swung the doors wide open for Eric.
After just a few weeks Eric was reading really well and in fact was reading stories about kids and their pets to all of the Cannot Club.
And it was at Eric’s suggestion that the Cannot Club shortened their name to the “Can Club” which of course is true of everyone, human or animal, if they learn and work hard at something that they CAN do.
Who knows? One day at a zoo or in India or Africa somewhere…an elephant will JUMP!

Kate and Shirley
Were feminine and girly
And it seemed they always agreed
Well, except for their hair
They didn’t agree there
They had different opinions indeed!

Shirley’s was curly
And Kate’s was straight
‘Though they both were pretty brunettes
Each had hair like their Mother’s
But they wanted each other’s
As opposite as it ever gets

So Kate got up early
To make her hair curly
It took hours to make it so
Each night Shirley’s up late
Making her hair straight
The process was very slow

Then it all changed
Things got rearranged
When they started dating boys
It all started with Kate’s
Redheaded boyfriend Nate
Then Shirley began making noise

Now Kate gets up later
‘Cause Nate likes her hair straighter
And she’s not at all tired anymore
And Shirley goes to bed early
Her blond boyfriend likes curly
And she’s getting more rest than before

Now the two girls agree
It’s is better to be
Whoever you naturally are
But then Shirley said
“I’d like my hair red
I would be happier by far”

Kate quite agreed
“And I think that I need
To stop being a boring brunette
I don’t want to deceive
But I must achieve
The blondest hair that I can get!”

Both their parents said “Girls
We don’t care, straight or curls
When you dyed it we weren’t even appalled
But we’re begging you
Whatever you do
Please never date anyone bald!”

“Get your heel outta my face please!”
“Hey…like I can help it or somethin’!  I got some ugly argyle toe in MY face!”
“Ah watch who yer callen ugly Laddie.”
“Yeah…well…I just want my mate…I haven’t seen Lefty in weeks.”
“Me too…it’s so nice in that sock drawer chattin’ with those other matched pairs…ah…I really  miss it.”
“The WORST are those athletic socks…they never really do get completely clean and they’re so thick and take up so much of our space here!”
Then there was a whimper and sob coming from the top of the pile.
“There there…you’ll be OK little one…we’re all here with you.”
The baby sock with it’s pink ruffle was very sad having just come from the last dryer load.
“I….I….think my match is…..ooohhhh….still in the dryer….CAUGHT!”
“Yeah…happened to golf sock over there…never did find his mate. Oh I shouldn’t have said that should I?”
“Boo Hoo…I’ll never see him again.”
“Now Now….it’ll be OK…you’ll see.
Then all of a sudden the woven basket that held them was lifted and dumped on the big bed. Then soon after, another pile of socks was thrown onto the bed.
“Hey….there’s my….HEY OVER HERE!”
Then human hands started matching up all the socks and folded and tucked the pairs together and threw them into the sock drawer. All of the socks were happy except one old striped one with a hole in the toe.”So long guys maybe I’ll see you all again soon.”
The little baby sock with the pink ruffle was still sad so the striped sock let it snuggle up as they were placed back into the woven basket.
“Maybe next time little one.” Then whispering to himself….”I HATE dryers!”

To the real, normal, everyday (boring) world, Mr.Jason Worthington seemed like a jolly mature and quite retired gentleman. Oh, he had eight wonderful Grandchildren who thought that he was silly on occasion but otherwise he was widely known as just…well, “Papa”.
But there was a well guarded secret that “Papa” kept only to himself.
Under his various colored knit Polo shirts and an occasional Tommy Bahama flowered Hawaiian style shirt he always wore the body hugging T shirt with the Purple Shield and the large golden capital “G”.
For you see, unbeknownst to his family and friends and neighbors, Papa was secretly “The Amazing Grandpaman!”
Papa read the news every morning in the local newspaper app on his iPad, and he would keep a well tuned ear as he walked his neighborhood for exercise each day, for any occurrence or injustice which he might perceive that he could either correct or at least improve by his stealthy actions.
He would of course upright fallen trash cans on collection day and pick up blowing trash along the street as he made his way through his community but he was always looking for the “Big Help” as he called it.
One gray morning in June he was walking his usual neighbohood route and suddenly saw something that made him instantly stop and dash behind the huge oak tree in front of the Chandler’s house.
A man was climbing out of the side window with a bulging sack. Papa knew that the Chandler’s were at their Daughter’s house in Ohio and so he naturally surmised that indeed…This was a job for GRANDPAMAN!
He crept behind the Chandler’s tall hedges and removed his “ELON” hooded sweatshirt (his youngest son graduated from that University) and put on his Golden mask and coiled up his rather mature body, ready to leap out and strike as the presumed burgler passed by.
And as the burgler was creeping past, Papa jumped out from behind the oak tree and tripped the perpetrator causing him to fall to the ground and drop his sack of stolen goods.
The burgler was so stunned that he stuttered “What…” and then tried to fight free of Papa’s firm grasp. But Papa also always carried a length of rope and an iPod with him on his walks and although the iPod isn’t effective at fighting crime, the rope is the perfect accessory to detain crimals…alleged criminals that is..and so Papa applied the rope using the knots he had learned in the Navy.
Papa called the police on his smart phone and after tying the culprit to the Oak tree, left his Purple and Gold calling card…”GRANDPAMAN” and then hid nearby until the police arrived and apprehended the thief and his bag of the Chandler’s possesions.
His smile was very wide and satisfying the next morning as Papa read the local news describing a “foiled burglary” but the best part for him was that he was still the unidentified “GRANDPAMAN”

(Visit sillygrandpa.com often for more of the continuing Adventures Of Grandpaman.)

“Hi! The keys on my keyboard are helping me give a shout out to you today. Normally I’m not a very popular key because you see I’m the DELETE button.”
“Oh, I do have a few close friends like the space bar (who never says much but is a great listener) and the backspace arrow, who kinda does the same job as me, so we have something in common.”
“The most popular keys like E and ENTER never want to chat. I’ve never shared a single word with CTRL…EVER.”
“I can’t actually figure out why I’m so unpopular with almost all of the other keys, after all I give them another chance to be used over again later. But I’m content with my role on the keyboard and actually I believe that I’m one of the most popular keys. Why do I think that you ask? Because my writer Russ makes so many mistakes, he actually uses me more than any other key.”
“I was going to chat longer but I’m an expert about knowing when to delete.”