Hi…you don’t know me because, well…that’s the way we elves like to keep it. I want to tell you a secret that Santa keeps with the utmost care…his actual Birthday.
When we asked Santa what day his Birthday was, he always told us that it was on November 39th. Well come to find out, through eons of elf research, Santa wasn’t fibbing to us. His REAL birthday is on December 9th (he won’t say what year but trust me, it was a VERY LONG time ago.) and if you count from November30th to December 9th you’ll see that he’s right.
Well this year we are throwing him a huge surprise party on November 39th and all the current and retired Elves and Ms. Claus and the Caribou (you know them as Reindeer) and a few old friends of Santa’s from when he was a young civilian are coming.
Thinking of the right gift is always difficult you know. Santa never says that he wants anything. Mrs. Claus always knits him something in his favorite color…heliotrope.
We Elves made him an electric muffler last year but it caught his beard on fire. His normally white beard did match his red suit briefly before we managed to find unfrozen water to throw on Santa to extinguish the fire but then Santa had a burnt up beard with icicles hanging down from all over it and his nose. He got a bit quiet when we all laughed out loud including Mrs. Claus and even the Caribou.
But this year we are building Santa a helium gift bag to lighten his load of toys (for GOOD little girls and boys)
We could get more done if some of the elves would stop gulping the helium and then speaking in very low bass voices causing everyone to go into hysterics!
We Elves were thinking of inviting a representative from the Good kids out there to Santa’s Birthday Party this year.
If you were chosen to attend, what gift do you think Santa would like?

Those are all good ideas and if you are selected to attend the party we’ll notify you by November 38th (that’s a Thursday) no matter what, Santa will be at your place December 24th after you are asleep.
Maybe this year if you leave Santa anything that night you might want to add at the bottom of the card that says “For Santa”…”HAPPY BIRTHDAY”

About the time that the North Pole elves gave Santa (formerly Kris Kringle) his famous name, Mrs. Kringle….ah…CLAUS told him that he needed a distinctive suit to wear on that special night.
All the elves and of course Santa agreed that it was a good idea but nobody…and I mean NO one could agree on the style and color.
Oh there were many suggestions about Robes and Parkas and even green tights…(that one obviously came from the Elves) and all agreed that there should be fur trimming too. (But NOT Caribou fur. Everyone and especially the reindeer, which are actually caribou themselves, unanimously agreed!)
Being an excellent seamstress as well as a VERY understanding wife, Mrs. Claus had a cupboard chock full of bolts of fabric in many colors, including in fact all of the colors of the rainbow.
Mrs. Claus held up samples of fabric under Santa’s chin to see how each color suited Santa’s coloring and svelte shape.
The Elves loved EVERY one, so of course their opinion was dismissed by Mrs. Claus (remember the tights suggestion?).
Well the white fabric almost made Santa disappear…sort of North Pole camouflage…and that just wouldn’t do.
No green…that was an Elf color…and the blue…well…picture a giant blueberry if you will.
The yellow was pretty good but the Elves couldn’t stop snickering and muttering something about “The Lemon That Ate The North Pole”
After that… I’m sure you all can guess what the Elves thought of Santa in an Orange suit.
Purple?…”NO!” Santa didn’t even allow his wife to hold that fabric anywhere near him.
There was one bolt of fabric left…all together now…. that’s right…RED!
“What do you think?” Mrs. Claus asked Santa.
“Hmmmm”….hmmmm’d Santa. And as he looked around all the Elves were nodding their pointy capped heads and gathering close by Santa.
“Ah…yes I like…no…I LOVE it!” exclaimed Santa.
“Whew!” the relieved Mrs. Claus sighed, and then set about to make the famous suit that Santa is never publicly seen without.
And in spite of what one Elf whispered upon first seeing Santa in his new red suit…Fire Engines are VERY masculine!

If you recall the story “Young Santa” you know how Santa first met his amazing Reindeer but I don’t think that I ever told you how they got their individual names.

It became a distinct necessity when Santa first hitched them all up to the sleigh and then tried to direct them. “You there second from front left…pull a bit right!”

Well…as you might imagine, it caused some confusion and delay since the reindeer were all counting rows and lefts and rights to figure out which one of them Santa was actually directing. This could never be when flying and especially landing on tight and may I add slippery rooftops at night.

So Santa decided that each reindeer needed an individual name. He lined them all up in the barn and interviewed each reindeer to determine their individual personalities in order to give them an appropriate name.

First was the most muscular and actually slightly largest reindeer that Santa wanted on the first row right. Since Santa was right handed he preferred to make right turns whenever possible.
“Let’s see. What do you like to do in your spare time?”…he asked the first reindeer.

“Well…I like to run fast whenever I can…if I were a human I’d be a sprinter.”
“Well…then I’ll call you sprinter!” decided Santa.
“Ah…Santa…that sounds like “splinter”…I HATE splinters.”
“All right…let’s see…how about DASHER?”

“LOVE IT!”
“Dasher it is. Next!”
Well, the next reindeer clicked his heels…ah hooves….since he was so glad that it was his turn.

He could hardly stand still waiting for Santa to suggest his name.
Then Santa said…”My…my….you’ll have to stand still and stop dancing around so that I can decide what name is best for you.”
“That’s IT! Thank you Santa I love it!”
“Ah… Love What?” inquired Santa.
“Dancer…I’m DANCER!”

“OK….then …I…guess….who’s next?”
“Oh…Gee….I wanted to be Dancer….I love dancing and prancing around…I do it all the time…almost.”
“Great….then you will be PRANCER! How’s that?”
“Perfect! Thanks, Santa.”

“OK….you there…”
Then a shy somewhat smaller and a bit prettier reindeer stepped to the front and in a gentle voice asked “ME?”
“I have the right name for you since you are female how about…VIXEN?”
“Hmmm…a female fox is named that…and they are very cute…OK thank you, Santa.”

“OK….and…”
Suddenly a reindeer instantly appeared right in front of Santa in a flash.
“Wow…you are quick as a flash…you should be named….something quick and flashy…COMET! How’s that?”
“Yes…yes…yes…COMET…that’s me!”

“Hey this is going pretty well,” said Santa complimenting himself.
Then Santa realized that he shouldn’t have been so quick to brag, which as we all know is not a good thing to do anyway, because he had a very difficult time with the very next Reindeer.
He didn’t have any hobbies and none of his personal skills suggested a name. Santa even asked for suggestions from the named and as yet un-named reindeer and nothing seemed to fit.

Santa thought and thought…”Ah…when were you born?”
“Ah…two winters ago.”
“No, I mean what date!”
“On February 14th Santa.”
“That’s it…you will be…CUPID!”
“Cupid…yeah…I like it!”

“Next! You will be in the last row on the left…right in front of me. But I think that I am running out of names. By the way…who else is left.”
“I am Sir…me and one other… OH….and that strange nosed reindeer out there under the tree.”

“Well…I’ve only got to name you two today…any ideas?”
“The next to last reindeer said …”When I was a baby…I would run so fast even Mom couldn’t catch me and she said that I “Ran like Lightning!”

“PERFECT” exclaimed Santa…you are Blitzen…that’s a Germanic word for Lightning.
Then Santa turned to the very last reindeer…”So little fellow I guess that makes you Donner the Germanic word for Thunder. But Mrs. Claus HATES thunder so we’ll make you DONDER and she won’t even know that we have a little secret about “Thunder and lightning” so you will be to the left of Blitzen in the last row right in front of me.”

Then Santa stood up tall and said…”ATTENTION REINDEER….TO YOUR POSITIONS ON THE DOUBLE!”
And after some jostling about… there was Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen…Comet and Cupid and Donder and Blitzen all in their proper position and enjoying every moment.

Then Santa turned and whistled loudly toward the open field to the reindeer under the tree.
“RUDOLPH…come over here and join us at the front…and light up that headlight nose of yours!

Rudolph galloped over realizing not only was he NOT left out but actually would be the leader of all the reindeer in the very front of Santa’s sleigh!

But Rudolph did wonder where Santa came up with that name!

I’m not sure that I should be telling you this story but…well here goes! Santa likes to have a little fun now and again and one year, right around Thanksgiving Santa went down into the SouthWorld, (that’s what he calls everything south of the north pole, which of course EVERYTHING is.)
Anyhow, he saw that a “Santa Look-alike” contest was being held at a shopping mall in Minnesota.
He chuckled as he saw the men lining up to enter. While some looked amazingly like him many looked more like Ernest Hemingway, at least according to Santa.
Well, he had to “Ho Ho Ho” and sit kids on his lap and stand with Left then Right then Back profiles and finally after all the dozens of contestants were evaluated by the audience and judges, he was asked to come up onto the stage with two other Santa Wannabes.
After a long and loud drum roll the winner was announced and Santa came in third!

Mrs. Claus was knitting tiny footies out of the brightest red yarn ever spun. Oh, they weren’t for any baby that the Claus’ knew but were special presents for Gamin the Elf whose old footies just plain wore out.
She noticed Santa pacing up and down the living room and looking out the door window every few seconds.
“What’s the matter, Dear? Does something have you worried this season?” She asked without even looking up from her knitting.
“Well…it should have been here by now….or even by yesterday. There are only two days to go!” said Santa wringing his hands and staring out into the snowy horizon.
Then after another hour or so there was a loud “VRRROOOM” which shook the whole house and startled Mrs. Claus causing her to “drop a stitch.”
“Oh, My…what was that?” Mrs. Claus exclaimed.
Santa was jumping up and down and clapping his hands and opening the front door and charging out without even putting on his red jacket.
“You’ll catch a cold if you go out without…..” Mrs. Claus started to say but it was too late because Santa was already making tracks in the North Pole snow running like a youngster out to the front gate.
Mrs. Claus put down her knitting and went to the door and what she saw made her jump back in amazement.
For sitting right in front of the gate was a huge shiny silver object with flashing lights and white smoke coming out of its enormous tail.
Santa was still jumping around like a little boy on Christmas morning as Mrs. Claus came out to join him. She hadn’t seen him this happy since…well…last Christmas.
“What is it Dear?” she asked.
“Oh it’s my new sled…it’s finally here!”
Santa was looking over and under and all around the new “contraption” as Mrs. Claus called it.
“How did it get here? I mean there’s no driver or delivery man or anyone.” Mrs. Claus was very confused by the whole scene.
“Oh, it’s programmable. “Fly by wire” my Dear it’s the newest thing. Doesn’t actually need a driver/pilot or whatever.” Santa’s smile was wide and he crinkled his nose as he admired his new flying device.
“It’ll do Mach One easy! Oh….it’s gonna save me so much more time. Had to do something with so many more children that I have to get to these days.” Mrs. Claus could hardly see Santa’s eyes ’cause he was smiling so much.
“What do you think? Isn’t it wonderful?” Santa asked.
“Ah…well anything that saves you time….except…well…never mind…..” Mrs. Claus was scratching her head and actually looking sad.
“What’s the matter…I guess you don’t understand how wonderful my new sleigh really is because you didn’t have to fly the old one!”
“Ah…no Dear…I was just thinking about…well…you know…the reindeer.”
“Oh….Dasher, Dancer, Prancer and all. Ummm….that’s a good point, Dear.” Santa wasn’t smiling so broadly anymore.
“Maybe you should call them all together and explain that… well…technology has improved the Christmas Eve flight. I’m sure they’ll understand. They probably hated flying all that way through cold and heat and rains and snows…even though they never complained.” Mrs. Claus suggested.
“Ummm….I’m not so sure that my new SUPER SLED was such a good idea after all.”
Santa went over to the stable to break the news to the reindeer
in as positive a manner as he could.
After Santa came back from the stable Mrs. Claus asked him…”Well, how did the reindeer take the news Dear?”
“Ah…we worked something out!”
Two days later right after dusk Mrs. Claus heard the VROOM roar of the engines of Santa’s new SUPER SLED and went to the window to wave Goodbye to Santa and wish him a safe worldwide journey.
As Santa taxied the jet sleigh and turned it to head South,(of course, EVERY direction is South from the North Pole) Mrs. Claus had to chuckle as she saw all eight reindeer sitting in the two back seats and Rudolph riding shotgun up front with Santa!

The very last chimney in the very last house that Santa visited on Christmas Eve proved to be just a wee bit too narrow for Santa and his belly full of cookies and milk.
If it weren’t for Blitzen’s quick thinking using the emergency can of WD40 that was in the sleigh’s tool kit…well Santa might have been stuck in there until New Years!
With the maximum effort by 5 of the “worn out from flying” reindeer, they were able after 12 long minutes to eventually ease Santa up and out onto the roof of 8954B6 Changyang Palace Road and back into the sleigh.
Santa’s suit was ripped and smudged and Mrs’ Claus would have to sew a brand new suit before next Christmas for sure!
Mrs. Claus knew it the moment Santa returned to the North Pole as she waited for him with a sugar-free hot chocolate…Santa ABSOLUTELY HAD TO go immediately on a diet!
Well…from January through November Santa didn’t eat a single snow cone, his favorite flavor being “Starlight” and he switched to Diet Cokes and ate lots of iceberg lettuce (without dressing…ah…salad dressing that is) and Mrs. Claus made him loads of snow peas but he couldn’t have even a taste of his favorite sandwich ingredients…cold cuts and North Polish Sausage!
Santa got just a tad grumpy but he did get less and less fat until he finally got onto the scale in November and he had lost so much weight that it didn’t even register on his “Special” Santa scale which was specially set to not count the first 150 pounds.
(It was a Christmas present from Rudolph.)
Santa went on his annual trip to the Thanksgiving Day Parade and not one single person recognized him and even after he showed his pilot’s license they wouldn’t let him ride in the parade. “Santa didn’t show up this year,” they all said, which of course made Santa doubly sad.
What to do?
With only 30 days to go Santa knew that he had to eat 26 meals a day in order to regain his Santa weight in time for his flight.
He hadn’t eaten 26 meals a day since he was young but if it was going to make him his jolly old self again…it was worth it.
The elves took on extra kitchen duties helping to bake the cookies and cakes and pies and making the ice cream and hot fudge and the whipped cream toppings….and well….just about everything that you aren’t supposed to eat…UNLESS you want to get fat!
Finally on the 24th of December Santa got back on his special scale and BROKE it!
What a smile Santa smiled! His belt was in the very last hole and his buttons were straining to stay closed…Santa was indeed back to his Jolly old self!
And Mrs. Claus heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight “On Dasher On Dancer…on Donner and Blitzen…let’s go get some cookies and milk!”

Dear Boys and Girls and Moms and Dads too
This is the first time I’m writing to you
The world has grown bigger and Santa has too
So I have a favor to ask all of you

‘Though I LOVE your gifts of cookies, milk and all that
Please try to leave fewer ’cause I’m getting too fat
Oh I’ve always been heavy Mrs. Claus tells me so
But there is a limit for my belly to grow

Chimneys are narrow ‘though I WISH they were wide
I’m finding it harder to get down inside
I COULD climb through a window or come in through the door
But if I do…there goes the folklore

It’s a modern world and I am traditional
So I cannot change and one thing additional
As I finish this letter I’ll make one more plea
Despite what you’re told…keep believing in me

SANTA

It was the fourth Thursday in November 1621 (far as we can tell) and adults and young’ns and Indian guests assembled for a hearty harvest meal.
“Aesop stop bangin’ on that thing and get in here to dinner!”
“I want drumsticks!” the little guy demanded as he dragged himself away from his musical percussion toy.
“There ain’t no gifts on Thanksgiving…shut up and eat your Turkey legs!”
As the crew sat around the hand-hewn table and after barely getting a taste of the first Thanksgiving feast…
“I’m STUFFED!” a complaint sounded from the center of the table.
“It’s the Turkey Martha…I told you 100 degrees weren’t hot enough to cook him!”
“Best get the other ones offa the radiator then!” she reluctantly agreed.
“I’m outta here!” the Tom turkey scrambled off of the table, leaking stuffing as he went.
“Next year better make “dressing” not stuffing, in case that happens again Martha. I’m losin’ my appetite.”
“I want a new stove thing!” she responded.
“What time is the game?” inquired Chief Wampanoag.
“Lacrosse or soccer?”
“Let’s invent football!” Aesop suggested.
The chief said “How”(“asked” how?)… they were never sure!
“Get the pigskin and let’s kick it around” Squealing ensued.
“You can be the Chiefs, Chief and we’ll be the New England Patriots. OK!”
“As long as I’m not the Redskins I’ll play!” he answered.
The game began but the football deflated when the Patriots were on offense and Chief Wampanoag left taking his Indian corn and carrot souffle with him.
“That went well!” Said John Barleycorn as he drifted off to sleep after suffering the very first overdose of Tryptophan in history!
“Wait ’til next year!” shouted Aesop!
And we all have, for the 401 years since.

His name is Alouishious Watson. His friends call him Al. That is if “AL” had any friends. And therein lies the problem. Alouishious had NO friends. Not one! Nada. Zip point ZERO! Well, you get the idea…NONE!
In fact, Al didn’t even have any non friends, or even enemies. Not having enemies is a good thing that we all should strive to achieve, but there were those lonely days when Al would go to the local sandlot with a bat, ball and glove and couldn’t find a single kid to play ball or even have just a catch with him.
Alouishious had seen the movie “Field Of Dreams” where it said “…if you build it they will come” and he always hoped that kids would magically show up and play with him. That never worked.
Then Al had an idea. “I’ll just make up, pretend, create my own friends in my mind and then I can have my “imaginary” friends to play with any time I wish.”
So that afternoon in the quiet of his room he conjured up his first friend…JOE!
Joe was a lot like Al and loved all the things that Al loved. Baseball, sports cars, computer games, and Joe disliked all the things that Al didn’t like also, such as baths, homework and being punished for breaking stuff.
Then one day Joe suggested that he and Al add another friend or two to their “Boys Only Club” and after lengthy discussion Al and Joe invited Ken and Mike to join.
Now Ken was a great ballplayer and wanted to play for the Orioles when he grew up and Mike was a wiz at math and wanted to be a scientist when he became an adult.
Over the course of the next few weeks, Ken taught Al how to play better baseball and Mike helped him with math so that his homework was lots easier.
Joe encouraged Al all along the way and kept telling Al…”Way to go”…”That’s great”….and “You’re doing a terrific job.”
Alouishious was quickly a changed young boy. He was better at almost everything and hadn’t even been punished for breaking stuff in weeks.
Then, on a sunny afternoon in summer Al went to the sandlot and there were a few kids there playing ball. Seeing Al with his ball, bat and glove, the biggest kid yelled…”Hey Al…wanna play?”
“I sure do!” Al yelled back and went out into the outfield with his glove.
After the game, as it was getting dark, the other boys introduced themselves to their new friend…”I’m Mike…I’m Joe… and he’s Ken and hey Al, you’re a pretty good ballplayer! See ya tomorrow.”

So you figure out the moral to this story. But whatever you decide, having friends is important, but so is BEING a friend!

“OK,OK you guys….and gals, just have patience out there. We’ll get to all of you I promise. Who was next?…I lost track!” The Emporer Penguin doorman checked his clip board…”Now Mr. Pachyderm, what is it exactly that you can’t do?”
The huge grey elephant trumpeted before admitting “I….can’t…..JUMP!”
The penguin checked off the elephant and allowed the huge animal to squeeze through the double doors, with the aid of about six employees pushing the south end of the north facing creature.
“Next!” shouted the Penguin.
The doorman whose name was Ernie, got his job after being a regular attending member of the Cannots and even though Ernie couldn’t fly like other birds, he made a GREAT doorman.
“NEXT!!!” Ernie had to shout to be heard and then felt a tapping on his ankle. When he looked down he saw a black snake looking up at him. “SSS…my name’sss SSSSSam and I can’t run. BUT I CAN SSSLITHER!”
“OK…ah SSSSSAM! Got it!” And the snake slithered into the club.
Outside of the Cannot club the animals were lined up a block long. Ernie was a very intelligent Penguin and after assessing the crowd of animals lined up, he had a thought that would make his job easier and faster and relieve the long lines quickly.
“How many of you, like me, can’t fly?” he yelled.
The raccoons, and possums and groundhogs and dogs and cats and well, nearly every waiting animal except for the ducks and geese raised their paws!
The chickens and pheasants in line raised their wings just about halfway but would need another CANNOT to get them admitted because although they don’t fly well, they do get off of the ground.
The chickens and pheasants were eventually allowed inside because none of them could climb a tree.
Just as Ernie was about to close the entrance door he noticed a small boy leaning against the side of the building and sadly looking down at the ground.
“Ah…kid…what’s the matter? Did your pet go inside the club?” asked a concerned Ernie.
“No…I’m Eric and I was told that this is the Cannot club and I…cannot….READ!”
“Oh my! Well. Here at the club we don’t celebrate what each of us cannot do but we cheer and try to improve the things that we CAN all do. But, in your case, I think that since nearly everyone I know of can read, we will all be happy to teach you how to read. I guarantee you that after lessons from our best readers you will be such a good reader that the library will know you on a first name basis! AND…since you can’t fly either, without an airplane that is, you qualify, so welcome to the Cannot Club.”
And Ernie swung the doors wide open for Eric.
After just a few weeks Eric was reading really well and in fact was reading stories about kids and their pets to all of the Cannot Club.
And it was at Eric’s suggestion that the Cannot Club shortened their name to the “Can Club” which of course is true of everyone, human or animal, if they learn and work hard at something that they CAN do.
Who knows? One day at a zoo or in India or Africa somewhere…an elephant will JUMP!