“Hi…thanks for chatting with me. I almost never get to open my pages, feel warm hands on my binding and watch the hungry smiles on the faces of my adopted family anymore.”
“I guess my old recipes are too high in calories and take too much time to make. And also Mary, the young housewife that bought me so many many years ago, is now a Grandma, and I just don’t contain those popular “kooking for kid’s” recipes that are so popular today.
My spine is weak and I’ve got stains all over my pages…and admittedly there are a few tears and some “foxing” too.”
“In fact page 51 is completely missing but I’m sure that modern cooks aren’t too interested in larding gamebirds.”
“Actually, the last time someone pulled me out of the bookcase, the iPad wasn’t even invented yet!”
“Wait…who is that with you? He looks very intelligent and he seems to be looking at every one of my pages. What’s that he’s saying?”
“Yes Mrs. Jenkins I believe you have one of the rarest cookbooks in existence…and luckily, back there in the corner of the bookcase is page 51. With some restoration I think it will make a very important addition to the National Cookbook Museum.”

“So now…I’m completely restored and I feel young again. I have my own stand and spotlight and many interested folks are smiling and remembering when my recipes were being made.”
“Mary even came by to say “Hi” and brought her friends to see me.
If you ever need to know how to prepare Beef Wellington, look me up!”

“Trixie” is a brown and white spaniel and she had five of the cutest little brown and white puppies that you ever did see…and then the most unusual thing EVER, happened. Trixie’s sixth and last puppy was…get ready for this…a female pink and purple polka dot puppy!
It was as hard to believe as it was to say. Just try saying “Pink and Purple Polka Dot Puppy” and you’ll see what I mean.
Well, Trixie loved her multicolored and polka dotted spotted puppy just as much as all the others but “Dottie”, as Trixie’s owners named her, did cause a great amount of attention.
In fact, Dottie attracted so much attention that soon the newspapers and TV stations were coming to Trixie’s house and wanting to photograph and make videos of the strange colored and spotted puppy.
Dottie was famous all over the city and even one national news team came to see her and Trixie and featured the amazing story on the Evening News.
Soon, Dottie was getting old enough to notice how different she was, and a single goal became her most frequent thought. “I want to be just like all of my brothers and sisters and just like Mommy.”
Trixie’s owners Marge and Herbert Smith tried fitting a brown and white doggie sweater on Dottie but those pink purple polka legs and head just looked even more…well…pink and purple and polka’d!
But as Dottie became six months old and all of her brothers and sisters had been adopted to very good and happy homes she decided to accept that she was different and maybe the only Pink/purple/polka puppy in the whole world.
Mr. and Mrs. Smith took Trixie and Dottie to dog shows all over the country and Dottie always won “Most Unusual Puppy” ribbons and after winning that catagory at seven straight shows, a national toy company made a best selling stuffed toy puppy that was the exact size and colors and pattern of Dottie and she quickly became world famous!
Dottie even had her own reality show each week on a cable channel and hundreds of thousands of people(and presumably dogs too)watched every week and even wrote fan mail to her.
Dottie was giving “Pawtographs” to admirers but she didn’t like dipping her left paw into pink ink and her right paw into purple ink and then pressing them both on the paper so it looked like…you guessed it…pink and purple polka dots. Plus the ink stayed on for a long time and needed to be scrubbed off.
But Dottie wasn’t truly happy.
Even though she had all the fame of a National celebrity there was a deep feeling inside of her that just wanted to be…well…normal.
The Smith’s were making so much money on Dottie’s notoriety that they built her a new two story dog house (Pinky purply and polka dotted of course)and it was the only one like it in the whole world.
That is until the toy company that made the Dottie Stuffed Dogs started selling replicas of the unique dog house which became more popular that the Barbie Playhouse!
Well…my story is getting rather long now so I’ll just skip to the part where Dottie is a fully grown mature dog and tell you about something that I bet you won’t believe.
Of course, if you believe everything about Dottie so far, you just might believe this too.
There was a National Kennel Club Dog Show at a very large northern city and the producers of the show were flying Dottie and the Smith’s in so that the world famous dog could make a personal appearance.
When the spotlight finally went off of her and Dottie’s sight was returning to normal …THERE HE WAS…standing right in front of her… the handsomest spaniel she’d ever seen. He was smiling at her and told her that his name was “Striper” and he had the most astounding green and yellow striped fur that she’d ever imagined.
And yes…of course…they both knew that they were meant for each other and also of course…they lived happily ever after.

“Pssst….ah….excuse me….yeah you…the reader….listen he just left, but he’ll be back soon so I have to make this quick!”
“What….who am I?” “Oh yes excuse my manners….I’m one of his recurring characters…he puts me in some of his short stories…and I was even in a poem or two of his. But anyway, lately he’s been a bit disappointed with the response to his web sites. He CAN be a pain occasionally, but all in all he’s been pretty good to me as my author. I mean he doesn’t make me look TOO stupid, and I do get a few chuckles now and then. I must admit though OCCASIONALLY I DO wish that he were a better writer. I think I’d have more of a following, maybe even a fan club, although with him I gave up on that a LONG time ago.”
“W…A…I…T….!!!….whew…he almost caught me talking to you. Luckily he forgot something and left again. He wouldn’t like me going over his head directly to you the reader….he is definitely the only AUTHOR….in this household.”
“What I’m really asking is that if you could try to act as though he were a bit better at his writing craft then he is….believe me it would make life much easier for me, and the rest of those characters of his.”
“Oh….here he comes again….thanks in advance for anything you can…….”
“Ah what Russ…..no I was just ah….thinking out loud!”

He was the last puppy in the litter. The one that nobody seemed to want.
He had the same big eyes as all of his brothers and sisters and his fur was just as solid black as all the others…but…he WAS much smaller, and thinner and he had to admit…weaker than his siblings. Yes…he was the “runt” of the litter.
It seemed that no one would ever want to adopt Runty and his human family had even stopped advertising and had taken down the sign that offered “Genuine Scottie Puppies!” from their front window.
Then one rainy morning a knock on the door was to change Runty’s life forever.
“Hello…I’m Mrs. Wilson. My son Todd has been very sick for a long time and our family decided that a new puppy might help him to feel better. Do you still have any puppies left?”
“Well…there’s just one…but I’m afraid it’s the runt of the litter…in fact we named him “Runty”.
“Ohhh…” Mrs. Wilson exclaimed as Runty had run to the door and was jumping up and down around her feet.
“My…he’s lively….and he’s REALLY cute isn’t he?” Mrs. Wilson bent down and patted Runty on his head.
“Would you like to come home with me…ah….Runty?”
Runty let out a short sharp bark and began licking Mrs. Wilson’s hand.
So Runty was adopted and went home with Mrs. Wilson where he met for the first time…little Jimmy Wilson.
Jimmy was in his sick bed but leaned down and helped Runty jump up onto the covers. Jimmy smiled and petted Runty and the Scottie rolled over and nuzzled the boy’s hand and licked his fingers.
Then Jimmy sat up and placed the pillows behind his back and Runty climbed into the boy’s lap. It was the first time that the boy had sat up in bed in more than a week. Jimmy’s Mom stood in the bedroom doorway and smiled wider than she had in a very long time.
As the weeks passed Jimmy grew healthier and Runty grew bigger and stronger too. It wasn’t long before they were going for walks around the neighborhood and soon Jimmy was well enough to resume attending Parks Middle School.
Two months later Jimmy’s school held a dog show. Jimmy brushed and trimmed Runty’s fur and taught him how to “heel” which is when Runty walks along at the same speed as Jimmy staying exactly at the boy’s heel.
Well…Runty won “Best in Show” and sported a bright blue and gold ribbon on his collar!
Oh…and just for the record…Two of Runty’s siblings were in the show too but it was Runty that everyone voted for.

I shouldn’t be telling you this stuff. I mean I could really get into a lot of trouble with other mutts in the canine club, but I’ve always liked humans…well most of ’em.
Being a dog, and when I say dog I mean a REAL dog, not one of those so called “purebreds” as they like to be referred to. Life is not really too bad…IF you’ve got the right “owner” (hate that term) Now I personally prefer table scraps but my…ah…family feeds me dry food and an occasional dog bone. I get petted a lot but not NEARLY as often as when I was a puppy, and I get outside almost too much. Hey, I’m not a big fan of cold weather either!
We dogs understand humans lots better than humans understand us. Of course the intent of this story here is to close the gap between us a bit.
We can smell better than you can, although that sometimes is a major drawback believe me!  And we can hear lots better too. By the way if you know which misguided human invented the dog whistle let me know. Some of my friends would be interested in “meeting” them too!
And also by the way, those electronic fences!!! Another not well thought out idea by dogdom standards. Not only do we have to learn how the stupid thing works the HARD way…but all those leashless mean dogs can walk right through and get at us. It isn’t fair…and it HURTS!
Oh I know….I know it sounds like we dogs don’t appreciate our humans but that really isn’t true. We’re not called “Man’s Best Friend” for nothin’.
We LOVE fetching sticks, well most of us do, some dogs are just grumpy. And we don’t mind getting slippers and bringing them to our human, although sometimes it IS tempting to just chew and rip ’em around pretending that they are freshly caught game.
But try to understand…we DO have instincts and were once wild animals that had to hunt and stuff before we were “domesticated.”
Let’s just enjoy each other’s company and dogs and humans will get along just great. By the way…please support your local SPCA.

There’s a rumor going ’round that I wish to quell
It’s caused me some embarrassment I suppose that you can tell
I’ve heard them with their whispering right behind my back
I want to set the story straight so here’s the baldfaced fact

I did NOT kiss a fish… no I didn’t even try
And when they point and say I did…it’s a total lie
First of all dolphin’s are mammals…and will always be
And I never EVER kissed one…the truth is….she kissed ME!

“Get your heel outta my face please!”
“Hey…like I can help it or somethin’!  I got some ugly argyle toe in MY face!”
“Ah watch who yer callen ugly Laddie.”
“Yeah…well…I just want my mate…I haven’t seen Lefty in weeks.”
“Me too…it’s so nice in that sock drawer chattin’ with those other matched pairs…ah…I really  miss it.”
“The WORST are those athletic socks…they never really do get completely clean and they’re so thick and take up so much of our space here!”
Then there was a whimper and sob coming from the top of the pile.
“There there…you’ll be OK little one…we’re all here with you.”
The baby sock with it’s pink ruffle was very sad having just come from the last dryer load.
“I….I….think my match is…..ooohhhh….still in the dryer….CAUGHT!”
“Yeah…happened to golf sock over there…never did find his mate. Oh I shouldn’t have said that should I?”
“Boo Hoo…I’ll never see him again.”
“Now Now….it’ll be OK…you’ll see.
Then all of a sudden the woven basket that held them was lifted and dumped on the big bed. Then soon after, another pile of socks was thrown onto the bed.
“Hey….there’s my….HEY OVER HERE!”
Then human hands started matching up all the socks and folded and tucked the pairs together and threw them into the sock drawer. All of the socks were happy except one old striped one with a hole in the toe.”So long guys maybe I’ll see you all again soon.”
The little baby sock with the pink ruffle was still sad so the striped sock let it snuggle up as they were placed back into the woven basket.
“Maybe next time little one.” Then whispering to himself….”I HATE dryers!”

“No “FOR SALE” signs. No Real Estate Agents. No Open House events with cookies and personal tours. (LOVE cookies by the way) But on the plus side, my new house will be free…NO MORTGAGE!”
Actually my “House” is more like a camper. I started out small with a shell previously owned by a snail. But I soon outgrew it and had to find a bigger one. I’m on my fifth home now and I’m getting a little cramped.”
“And by the way. I don’t mean to disparage molluscs, but some of those previous owner snails really leave a messy shell. I ALWAYS do my housecleaning when moving on.”
“Ah….there….over by the turfgrass. WOW…what a beautiful golden brown color with tiny dots of dark brown. Let’s see. Looks pretty clean in there. Has to be a caring Hermit crab.”
“UGH! Wouldn’t you know it. Just a wee bit too tight. That is indeed a shame. I loved that Metropolitan style of the shell. Oh Well…the search goes on.”
“But wait. There over by the path. That one isn’t quite as stylish but it is HUGE!”
“HELLO…Hello…hello” Man it even has an echo!” I’ll just do a walk through….Gosh it’s roomy in here.” I think this one is perfect…well, except for the dull grey color….but maybe that’s good for camouflage.”
“Oh I LOVE IT…I’ll just….WAIT….this thing is heavy….WAY too heavy. I don’t want to have to carry this load around all day and running? Forget about that!”
“Shame.” Well I guess I have to go to the last resort and see my former owner Mary. She released me back into the “wild” when she left for college.”
“Mary will be able to solve my “Goldilocks” problem.”
“How can Mary help you may ask. She sells sea shells by the sea shore!”

“May I introduce to you the King Of Silly
To whom you always must bow willy nilly”
“And every time to him you address
Our Royal King… as “Your Sillyness!”

The Kingdom wasn’t always silly you see
It used to be as sad as any could be
Then our King one day passed a decree
“ALL subjects must at once be quite SILLY!”

Well many found it easy to be
As silly as…well as silly as he
But some like Mr. Perious
Had a difficult time not being serious

The King sent his envoy over to meet
With Mr. Perious living on Somber Street
But it didn’t take long to correct his woes
With huge orange shoes and a big red nose

Then there was the librarian named Miss Proper
She was always serious and we couldn’t stop her
A simple solution was a feather dress
That constantly tickled…everywhere you could guess

So the Kingdom was peopled with the silliest kind
That had never a serious thought on their mind
We were all happy telling jokes and singing a song
That is…until YOU came along!

GET SILLY!

Guffaw was sitting over in the corner of the jungle path with his head hung down and feeling very sad.
“Hey Guff what’s up?” asked Webby the spider monkey.
“Oh…I…..just…..I don’t know.” Guffaw moaned.
“What’s the joke du jour Guff ole pal?” said Anna the Anaconda.
“I think something has made him very sad.” observed Webby.
“SQUAWK!….Hey GUFF….tell us a funny one eh?” remarked Bluey the Hyacinth Macaw.
“I’ve never seen him like this before!” said Anna and all the others agreed.
“Hey Guff…Whaddaya call a guy that has to entertain animals all his days?….A Zookeeper! Ha…get it?” Webby was trying to cheer up Guffaw but it wasn’t working.
The animals all tried different things to cheer up their jungle pal but even a tickle under his chin from Anna didn’t change Guffaw’s sad mood.
“Maybe…Guff realizes that not everything in life is funny. That some things are quite serious and not in the least bit humorous.” Bluey was a smart bird. All of the other animals agreed to that. After all, Hyacinthe Macaws were the only ones in that particular South American jungle that could imitate that awful sounding human voice.
Well…all the animals tried everything they could think of to cheer up Guffaw and make him laugh again and finally after Webby had hung upside down by his prehensile tail and scratched himself and made “funny” noises and still no response from Guff, Webby said…”Well I guess we all just have to give up!”
Then as all of the animals began to leave, Webby slipped on a banana peel and fell down.
“HA HA HA…..Ho….that WAS FUNNY!!!!” Guffaw was laughing so much his sides started to hurt.
Well Webby’s sides and arm hurt too and he said to Guffaw…”Some things are funny and you can laugh but….I think I hurt my “humerus” bone!”