“Eve Dear, have you seen this year’s Christmas list? I can’t seem to locate it.”
Santa was looking in all the usual places.
“Why no Snookums, I haven’t seen it since last December”…replied Mrs. Claus.
“Well that was last year’s “GOOD” list and things may have drastically changed since then.” Santa said, while accidentally overturning the ribbon bin.
“Perhaps one of the elves has it to get a count of how many of a certain gift to make.” Mrs. Claus suggested.
“No…Elphonso would have told me…but I’ll check with him anyway.”
Santa buzzed the workshop on his special phone that was a gift from the C.E.O. of A.T.and T. who never did forget that Santa had brought him the Southern Pacific train set one Christmas when that C.E.O.’s parents were unemployed.
“Yes Boss…Elphonso here!” ansered the senior elf.
Santa asked about the list but got no positive answer from the busy workshop.
“Oh my!” exclaimed Santa. “Without that list even very misbehaving children will be getting top shelf gifts and that would set a very bad precedent!”
“Maybe the children who KNEW that they were not really as good as they could have been during the year will appreciate the kindness and forgiveness if you treat them as “Good List” kids.” Mrs. Claus slyly suggested.
“Hmmm….well…it may come to that if I can’t locate my list.”
Santa resumed digging through the back of the closet under the red and white trimmed suits stored there.
It was WAY too late to compile a new list and it wouldn’t be fair to use last year’s list, so Santa just sat in his big easy chair and resigned himself that Mrs. Claus’ suggestion of gifting EVERY kid would be his decision for at least this Christmas.
And kids…that was YESTERDAY!
So…all of you kids out there that were not exactly on your best behavior this year, (and you all know who you are) will get a gift from the Jolly Old Elf this Christmas.
So my suggestion to you is to enjoy the benefits of a “Good List” kid and do your very best to earn your own way onto the list next year.
Because we all know that Santa isn’t going to lose next year’s list don’t we!
Archive for category Holiday
Santa was busily delivering his Christmas bounty of gifts to GOOD little girls and boys when, instead of going on to the Smith’s house, next on his list, he circled around the Jones’ roof where he had just been because Santa thought that he had forgotten to leave the red bike with training wheels that Tommy had asked for.
Santa saw his own footprints in the snow but he also spotted a small person with a bag similar to his and the person was wearing a mask!
“What’s this?” exclaimed Santa. “This person is following me and I do believe that they may be taking the gifts that I’m leaving and that makes Santa very angry.”
Santa hovered the sleigh and commanded the reindeer to be very quiet as he watched to see the “bandit” emerge from the chimney, looking all around to see if they were being watched.
But they didn’t look up into the sky where Santa was hovering and that’s when Santa swooped in to land right in front of the “bandit” trapping them between the sled and the Jones’ chimney.
“SO!” Santa yelled, startling the person.
“Exactly WHAT are you doing following me and raiding the houses that I’ve gifted?”
“I…well…I…just…” the would be “Bandit” took off their mask as they spoke, and lo and behold it was a rather young woman who was speaking to Santa.
” I…was…just delivering these gift certificates to each house that you visit in this neighborhood. I figured that if you visit a home there must be good and deserving kids living there and I wanted to make sure these worthy families received the food vouchers so that they can have an even better Christmas.”
“Well…I’m amazed young lady, but why are you wearing the mask when you are doing such a noble deed?”
“I didn’t want anyone to know that I left the certificates and not Santa…well…you, Sir.”
“Hmmm…I see…I think. That’s a wonderful and generous thing that you’re doing but I don’t think that I should be given credit for something that you did.. But…tell you what! Why don’t you ride along with me from here on until you finish your generous giving?”
“Oh Santa, that would be wonderful!”
“And by the way, I recall leaving you that “Raggedy Ann” doll back a few years ago. You were a mostly good little girl “SARAH”, and you sure have become a fine young woman!”
And Sarah and Santa and the nine reindeer flew off to finish the Christmas Eve giving that is the true spirit that everyone should cherish and continue forever.
Santa and the elves were packing the Christmas toys into Santa’s great sack in preparation for his annual world flight to deliver gifts to each GOOD little girl and boy.
The very first gift placed into the huge golden bag was a train engine that tooted and clanged and puffed real looking smoke that was going to make some little boy or even little girl very happy this year.
“Thomas” was very happy and indeed honored to be the very first gift placed into Santa’s sack and as Thomas smiled and puffed-up his proud steam engine chest, a basketball bounced and clunked him right on his smokestack head!
“OUCH!” yelled Thomas…”that hurt!”
But before the basketball, an Official Size and Weight NBA Genuine leather ball could respond, a play kitchen stove came tumbling in on top of them!
“OOOmmmph!” exclaimed the ball and Tommy yelled “Hey…please watch where you are landing….that hurt!”
Tommy asked the basketball “Didn’t that hurt you when that kitchen stove landed on you?”
“Naw…” said the ball…”I get thrown around and bounced on the floor…all the time.”
“Wow!” said the train engine. “I’ve got a headache already and here comes another whole bunch of toys being thrown into the sack right on top of us!”
Well, Santa and the elves filled up the golden sack with thousands of toys…millions probably and by the time the last toy was put on top of the sack, Tommy could hardly chug and definately couldn’t move a wheel. The basketball was dented in slightly but was…well…having a ball!
Then the entire sack was lifted up and soon Tommy had the distinct feeling of flying….then landing…then flying again…then landing again and this went on for hours. But, at least the load of toys pushing down on Tommy was getting lighter and lighter.
Finally, after what seemed like days, but was really only hours, only the basketball and Tommy were left in the sack.
“I’ll see ya Tommy, I get off here. Billy Smith’s house I think, so Goodbye and have a Merry Christmas!”
Well, Tommy was sorry to see the basketball go but now Tommy could breathe normally and move his wheels all that he wanted.
Then Tommy felt a familiar white gloved hand reach down and grab him by his boiler.
“Ho…Ho…Ho…let’s go Tommy…this is your stop and my LAST one!”
Tommy did get a quick glimpse of Santa and all of the reindeer and the rooftop and then it was down the chimney and into the living room of Jimmy Williams, a seven year old boy who was still fast asleep in his bed even though it was nearing sunrise.
“Merry Christmas Tommy” Santa said as he swooped back UP the chimney.
Tommy was looking at the beautiful Christmas tree when all of a sudden “WOW!! MOMMY…DADDY….LOOK!!! Santa brought me Thomas The Tank Engine…the most wonderful toy in the whole world!”
“Yeah…a wonderful toy…”thought Tommy smiling but remembering all of those toys crushing him in Santa’s Golden Sack all Christmas Eve…”…and the very LAST one too!!!”
Mrs. Claus was very concerned that Santa, the “Jolly Old Elf” as he is sometimes referred to, needed a bit of assistance as he became more “Old” than “Elf” but still “Jolly”.
Mrs.Claus, (her first name is “Eve” as we mentioned in a previous story) suggested that Santa hire an intern to assist with his annual duties.
Santa at first considered the idea “preposterous” but Eve saw how slowly that he climbed into and out of the sleigh and other small clues that made clear to her that Santa could use a non-Elf hand or two.
But who would be available to help Santa in the cold cold North Pole?
Perhaps a young person from Siberia or Finland or Alaska. She even considered a robot until she remembered that the elves had to keep all robot presents warm until delivery.
Plus the fact that as Santa’s assistant, the work would be a concentrated part time job which made her think of a college student that always had off of classes for the Christmas holidays.
Then there was the problem of advertising the job. There might be thousands of applicants and who would interview them and neither Eve nor Santa would want to disappoint a single one.
What to do?
Maybe the answer wasn’t hiring an intern after all but just to lighten the Christmas Eve load of gifts that Santa had to deliver.
By the way, all of this happened 20 or so years ago and we just heard about it during one of our fireside chats with the Claus’.
You all know by now what Mrs. Claus did to help Santa and he is still managing to handle his Christmas Eve duties by himself.
What? Oh yes…I didn’t actually remind you of the solution to Santa’s problem…why UPS, FedEX and all of the postal services around the world.
Have a Merry Christmas and don’t forget to check your front steps and mailboxes kids.
Now don’t get me wrong here…Santa is definately not the superstitious type. However, and I’m not sure he wants everyone to know about this: he does have one little itsy bitsy quirk about flying that he is 100% convinced brings him good luck 100% of the time.
Before I tell you all exactly what it is however, please allow me to start at the very beginning.
It was so long ago that even Santa can’t remember the year. He had rigged his first sleigh and hitched up the reindeer(with the help of the “stable Elves” which includes me, your story teller for today, Marcellus….but just call me Marc)
Mrs. Claus could sense that he was nervous and brought him a nice hot cup of Chamomile Tea with a drop of honey.
“Why thank you Eve.” Santa said to her and gave her a big hug. Santa hates Chamomile Tea by the way, but he drank it down in just three gulps smiling all the while.
Mrs. Claus walked Santa out to the sleigh and gave him a kiss on one of his apple red cheeks and wished him a good flight. And without Santa knowing it Mrs. Claus slipped something into his left outside pocket.
It wasn’t until Santa was airborne and had leveled off headed South (remember EVERYTHING is South of the North Pole)he reached into his pocket and felt a small object that he knew that he hadn’t put there.
Would you like to take a guess as to what it was?
All good guesses but actually it was a very small and very well crafted golden pair of lucky wings made secretly by the workshop elves and every year Santa makes sure that the wings are in his left pocket before he takes off to fly to your house.
Cinder, now known as Sparky was finding that Springtime at the North Pole was a total BORE!!!
There were no flowers, no bees (which could be a GOOD thing) and no green grass, plastic or otherwise.
Plus Sparky had nothing to do because Santa was on vacation 364 days a year (365 if you count leap years).
One morning after Sparky rearranged his sock drawer and after checking to see if all snowflakes really were different, he was reading the “Icon Gazette” where he stumbled upon the want-ad section and immediately spied an entry that said…”Part Time Spring Job…(Free Eggs)”
The email address was…EB 1 @ happykids.com.
Sparky dashed off an application citing his vast experience with part time excellence and listed Santa as his reference.
It was a mere microsecond until he got a response from EB 1.
“I always heard very good things about you Chum. Can you come to see me in Hutchville USA SAP?”
There just happened to be one leftover toy from last Christmas that just might be the answer to the challenge of Sparky’s transportation dilemma i.e. How to get from the North Pole to Hutchville USA?…
“The Super Dooper Rubber Banded Ejector”.
There were reports of windburn on cheeks from prior use but Sparky decided the chances were worth it if he could overcome the boredom.
Well…Sparky arrived with messed up hair and very red ears and cheeks but intact at Hutchville.
E.B. was there to greet him at the crash site wearing a blue vest with 27 pockets and a yellow hat with his two large furry ears sticking up through the side holes.
E.B. was of course the one and only the inimitable Easter Bunny himself!
“Nice to meet you Mister Sparky would you like an egg sandwich, or scrambled eggs or poached eggs or hard boiled eggs or chocolate creme eggs or…what?” EB asked.
“Just a few jelly beans if you have any around…thanks.” answered Sparky.
“Would you like red ones or black ones or yellow ones or pink ones or orange ones…or…?” EB asked.
“Ah…any color or flavor will do.” said Sparky.
So they had a nice little luncheon of eggs and jelly beans and discussed the job.
The very next day was Easter, so Sparky’s job was to begin (and end) that very night.
Sparky helped the Easter Bunny load up a billion dozen eggs and 20 billion jelly beans and tons of green plastic grass and one billion six hundred eighty million multicolored baskets.
It was quite a load but kept getting lighter all night just like Santa’s huge toy sack does.
In the morning at Jessie Starlingwig’s house EB and Sparky were finally done.
EB helped Sparky get fitted up into the Super Dooper Rubber Banded Ejector pointed North and pulled it back and let it go.
Sparky arrived at the North Pole with red ears and cheeks and messy hair but also with Eggs and jelly beans for everybody.
It didn’t take long for Sparky to decide that working one night per year was a very good deal and besides EB always did very well without any help and didn’t really need Sparky.
Just then Santa walked into the Elf workshop and asked Sparky…
“Where have YOU been all this time?”
Hi…you don’t know me because, well…that’s the way we elves like to keep it. I want to tell you a secret that Santa keeps with the utmost care…his actual, real honest to goodness… Birthday.
When we would ask Santa what day his Birthday was, he always told us that it was on November 36th. Well, come to find out, through eons of elf research, Santa wasn’t fibbing to us. His REAL birthday is on December 6th (he won’t say what year but trust me, it was a VERY LONG time ago) and if you count from November 30th to December 6th you’ll see that he’s right.
Well this year we are throwing him a huge surprise party on November 36th and all the current and retired Elves and Ms. Claus and the Caribou (you know them as Reindeer) and a few old friends of Santa’s from when he was a young civilian are coming.
Thinking of the right gift is always difficult you know. Santa never says that he wants anything. Mrs. Claus always knits him something in his favorite color…heliotrope. By the way, he also likes Puce!
We Elves made him an electric muffler last year but it caught his beard on fire. His normally white beard did match his red suit briefly before we managed to find unfrozen water to throw on Santa to extinguish the fire but then Santa had a burnt up beard with icicles hanging down from all over his whiskers and nose. He got a bit quiet when we all laughed out loud including Mrs. Claus and even the Caribou were snickering.
But this year we are building Santa a helium gift bag to lighten his load of toys (for GOOD little girls and boys)
We could get more done if some of the elves would stop gulping the helium and then speaking in very low bass voices causing everyone to go into hysterics!
We Elves were thinking of inviting a representative from the Good kids out there to Santa’s Birthday Party this year.
If you were chosen to attend, what gift do you think Santa would like?
Those are all good ideas and if you are selected to attend the party we’ll notify you by November 34th (that’s a Friday)but no matter what, Santa will be at your place December 24th after you are asleep.
Maybe this year if you leave Santa anything that night you might want to add at the bottom of the card that says “For Santa”…”HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY!”
It was a cold and stormy Christmas Eve night at the Crunchwilly’s house on Santa Claus Lane in Guam as Cinder, the official Chimney Pushing assistant to Santa was measuring the VERY tall and Very TIGHT space that Santa would have to traverse to deliver presents to the Crunchwilly kids Lionel and Babbette.
“TOO TALL TOO TIGHT TONIGHT!” complained Cinder after his assessment.
“He’ll NEVER make it down this one! NO NO NO…and …ah….NO!”
Well Santa was growing impatient since he had 1 Billion, Six hundred seventy nine million, Four hundred eighty seven thousand ,three hundred thirteen houses to visit by sunrise .
Oh…we forgot to mention that there was a roaring fire in the Crunchwilly fireplace which added to the challenge of the present present delivery.
As Santa was begging Cinder to…”Please Hurry with a solution” Cinder yelled…… “BUTTER!”
“We’ll slather you up with butter Santa and you’ll just slip your corpulent self right down that chimney like it was 40 years ago.”
Santa ignored the reference to his younger slimmer self (years of cookies and milk) but absolutely refused to resemble “Mrs. Butterworth” on this most auspicious eve. But Cinder persisted and slobbered 37.8 pounds of Land O’ Lakes all over Santa.
Meanwhile Santa was wrapping the Chrunchwilly kids presents with aluminum foil to keep them from burning up on the journey down the chimney.
“On the count of three SANTA….One Two THREE!” Cinder pushed and Santa started to slowly slip his way down the tight smoky and rather hot chimney ( but then an unexpected event occurred which truthfully should have been expected ) the butter started to melt, then sizzle, then burn and drip causing the fire below to roar even higher and HOTTER.
“Yipes! Exclaimed Santa as he landed on the hearth with a billow of ashes and yes, ‘Cinders” spraying out and almost catching the Crunchwilly Christmas tree on fire.
“MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!” yelled a rather yellow but ebullient Santa.
But suddenly a huge explosion erupted up the chimney ejecting Cinder along with an amazing array of fireworks into the Guam night sky.
The Guam natives, in response to the display, thought that it just might be the Fourth Of July instead of Christmas Eve.
But about a quarter of a mile away Santa located Cinder lying in the fronds of a palm tree.
Cinder hadn’t hurt anything but his pride, but from that moment on Santa always referred to Cinder as “SPARKY”.
I’m not sure that I should be telling you this story but…well here goes! Santa likes to have a little fun now and again and one year, right around Thanksgiving Santa went down into the Southworld, (that’s what he calls everything south of the north pole, which of course EVERYTHING is.)
Anyhow, he saw that a “Santa Look-alike” contest was being held at a shopping mall in Minnesota.
He chuckled as he saw the men lining up to enter. While some looked amazingly like him many looked more like Ernest Hemingway, at least according to Santa.
Well, he had to “Ho Ho Ho” and sit kids on his lap and stand with Left then Right then Back profiles and finally after all the dozens of contestants were evaluated by the audience and judges, he was asked to come up onto the stage with two other Santa Wannabes.
After a long and loud drum roll the winner was announced and Santa came in third!
It was October the fifth as I recall…or maybe it was the sixth, anyhow it was a Tuesday and I got a call from Santa. He was on vacation at his island house in the warm Pacific.
Oh…sorry I forgot to tell you…I’m The Easter Bunny, Eastern Cottontail specifically, but since the kids…I love kids….call me the Easter Bunny…well…I love it.
Anyhow, Santa called me. I thought it was some prankster at first…like Sammy the Squirrel, or Squeeky The Mouse, but after asking some questions I accepted that my caller was the genuine, authentic REAL Santa.
He said that he was calling a meeting of all the icons of kiddom (are there two D’s in Kiddom?) which of course included me. He wouldn’t tell me which of us he had called first,(just like Santa) and he said that he would send the sled around for me at 12:03 the next morning.
I’m not nocturnal like the Tooth Fairy, or even Santa but I agreed. So I set my alarm clock in the hutch and was showered and ready to go before Midnight.
Well, true to his word at precisely 12:03 there was a clattering of hooves and a crunch- never did find out what went “crunch”- and I popped out of the hutch and climbed aboard the sleigh.
Well…Molar The Tooth Fairy was aboard and we renewed old acquaintances.
I had run into her once at work(yes it’s a she)when Tommy Tucker couldn’t eat his supper after he bit into a roll and lost number 6 tooth (which coinciDENTly is the First Molar) on Easter Eve.
But I digress!
We exchanged stories on the ride down to Santa’s Island vacation house. Actually the Tooth Fairy is very nice even though her dress was a bit strange with all flowing ribbons and lacey trims…but actually when you think about it, the only one of us that kids actually ever see is Santa, so it doesn’t really matter what we look like or wear does it?
We arrived on the sandy beach in-between the palm trees with a perfect thirty-eight point landing. Santa was there all smiles with a cool pink frosty mug of punch in each hand and was wearing a brightly colored sport shirt and Bermuda shorts….neither of them red by the way.
Mrs. Claus was waving to us from the doorway, and we got off the sleigh, took a sip and went inside.
Santa invited us to sit at the big round table where Mrs. Claus had prepared a tropical fruit salad with extra lettuce for me.
“I thought we should have this meeting to discuss how we all might use our abilities to help kids and all folks to be even happier.” Santa said.
“I agree!” I agreed.
“We only get to “Do our Thing” once a year Santa, and Ms. Fairy only visits kids after they’ve lost a tooth.” I added…Santa nodding his beardy head in agreement.
“My point exactly Mr. Bunny!” Santa remarked.
Then Santa added “I’ll tell you a secret that only Mrs. Claus knows. Well…the Elves know too of course, can’t keep any secrets with them around.”
Ms. Fairy and I were all ears awaiting Santa’s confession. Some say I’m all ears ALL the time…but I digress again.
“During the year, when I’m not at the Pole or here on vacation, I put on my grey pinstriped suit and white shirt and navy tie and my black wingtip shoes and go down into the populated cities and towns of the real world and just kinda blend in. Act like a regular citizen don’t cha know.”
“Wow…that sounds like fun!” exclaimed Ms. Fairy.
“Yeah Santa…what a hoot!” I added.
“Anyhow…” Santa continued…”I’ll drop off a secret, very needed donation or put some money on the ground so a poor person can find it…or I’ll secretly fix something broken in the hope of making someone’s life easier and better.”
“What a nice thing to do!” Ms. Fairy and I both replied.
“Well…” Santa continued..”I think…”
But I politely stopped him and said..”I know…why don’t we all do that. Slip into the general citizenry and secretly help out and no one will ever know it was us. Then maybe it will catch on and lots and lots of folks will do good things without wanting to be thanked or rewarded.”
“You’ve got it Mr. Bunny!”
We all voted unanimously that day to start helping wherever and whenever we could without anyone knowing that it was us.
But what I haven’t told you is that the meeting that Santa called was many many years ago and you know…I think our plan is beginning to work better and better every year and…by the way…thank YOU for helping too.